Jess can’t stop thinking about her kiss with Nick, who continues to play it off as if it meant nothing to him. Schmidt and Nick are having a huge party to celebrate their living together for 10 years, or their Tinfinity because S and N (their initials) make up tin…or some crap like that. IDK.
Winston gets the chance to interview and then hang out with a super amazing football player, played by Steve Howey. He’s pretty effing hot.
In order to forget about Nick’s mouth on her mouth, Jess decides to find another man to put his mouth all over her mouth and erase the memory of Nick’s mouth on her mouth. Follow that?
Cece and her arranged marriage guy discuss getting married, but he is like, so are gonna do this thing or what? She’s like, how about you not say that again. It’s kind of funny, and douchey. It’s also nauseating, because everyone knows Schmidt and Cece belong together. MTB people!
Jess goes to Nick’s bar and starts flirting with guys. One guy is like, “I haven’t washed my jeans in 18 months and I’m bisexual.” Next guy has Edward Cullen hair but talks so hilariously. “Microchips are getting’ smalla. They be like the size of blueberries. You can put them in yo’ coffee, girl.” He kind of sounds like the white Cleveland. I laughed forever. Then Jess killed me when she asked what was wrong with the guys in this bar all of a sudden. “Did they open a bus station next door?”. Oh my God, I laugh screamed. It was the funniest to me. Suddenly, in comes Winston with his sexy football player friend, and Jess is immediately intrigued. Winston tries to stop her but she moves in, and the guy is totally into her.
Nick and Schmidt discuss their party planning duties, and Nick is in charge of balloons. When he complains about getting a baby job, Schmidt also puts him in charge of Port a’ Potties. Of course, Nick forgets that his job was also balloons.
Winston tells Jess to leave Jax (the football player) alone because she’s going to ruin his chance of being friends with him. When he tells her she has no chance with Jax because she knows nothing about sports like he does, she smirks.
“Oh, you’re right. I guess I’ll just use my hair and eyes and breasts and legs and adorable personality. Fool.” I laughed so hard here because I love that Jess isn’t being a pushover. And she’s clearly winning. Jax plays tag football with her and helps her win and gets mad at Winston for interfering.
Meanwhile, Nick held up his end of the bargain. He got a Port a’ Potty. Which ended up being used, filthy, and the probable scene of at least six murders. Schmidt is flabbergasted, but then tells Nick he’s proud of him for doing his job. He points out that now people can pick which bathroom to go to, because he also got one, but it looks like a freaking movie trailer.
Nick stands in front of his bathroom and tries to bully people into using it, but no one wants to get into that devil’s gate.
Jax and Jess are still flirting and tossing the football between the two of them. Jax confesses that he likes Jess a lot, and she admits she likes him too. But he’s like “A lot? Because I said a lot.” She tells him yes, because she likes a man who shares his feelings. Suddenly, he is fighting tears and she’s like wth, and then he tries to man up and says he likes beers and football too, because he’s a man. Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!
Jess heads over and sees Nick, and asks him about his crappy Port a Potty. She offers to use it, and he asks her to act like she’s really excited about it so all the girls will want to use it. She agrees, and is all “Oh! Just my style! Very vintage and great and-“ opens door and looks inside- “Oh, this is horrible!”
After Schmidt writes a speech for Nick to read to Schmidt that is full of reasons why Nick should be grateful for their friendship, Nick and Schmidt argue because Nick remembers in college when they used to be equals. But now Schmidt treats Nick like some idiot he has to take care of. We’re treated to a hilarious flashback with college Nick and Fat Schmidt asking each other if they scored with girls the night before. Nope! We’re equals!
Nick doesn’t even know what they’re celebrating and storms off, with Schmidt shouting out reasons from his speech notes.
Meanwhile, Jess finds Jax, and he apologizes for weirding her out. He admits he just got out of a relationship that crushed him, and he just really likes her and feels like they’ve known each other for a really long time. She tells him she feels like she wants to French him. He leans down to give her what looks like the sexiest kiss (though not nearly as hot as the epic kiss Nick and Jess shared a few episodes ago). Their kiss is interrupted when Cece’s boyfriend gets on stage and proposes to her. It’s made very romantic by mistake, as the DJs and lighting team use the music, lighting, and confetti that Schmidt planned for his and Nick’s speeches. Cece accepts the proposal, and poor Schmidt is destroyed. I get Cece’s motivation, but it just seems so stupid to me to not be with Schmidt. He is clearly in love with her, she knows it, and loves him too. So why is she doing this arranged marriage crap? It pisses me off too, because it’s so careless and inconsiderate to do something like this at Schmidt’s party, of all places. Uncool.
Schmidt walks away, and Nick follows him to offer comfort. They end up at a hot air balloon, which was Nick’s idea of getting balloons. Only problem was he didn’t think to get propane, so it was just a basket with a deflated balloon lying on the ground. Amazingness. They talked and realized that their friendship is what they were celebrating. Schmidt admits that he is sad because he really thought he would be the person that got to bone Cece forever. Touching. LOL
Meanwhile, Jax takes advantage of the romantic moment and jumps on stage to say that a heart thief stole his heart tonight. He points to Jess, who is freaking out, and is like “It wasn’t me. I was framed.” He then says he thinks he met his future wife, and he wants to marry her and put a baby in her and love her forever. She runs away, saying they are not on the same page. She hides in the caterer’s tent, and Cece finds her. Cece insists that she’s happy so Jess is happy for her. She admits she’s hiding from Jax, and Cece can see why. There’s a quick cut to Jax, sobbing hysterically into a super uncomfortable Winston’s chest. As we cut back to Jess and Cece talking, we can hear Jax’ cries turn into shrieks and wails. I died laughing listening to that.
The episode ends with the roommates in the hot air balloon basket, talking and drinking from a liquor bottle. Nick drinks last and offers it to Jess, but she refuses to drink after he’s put his mouth all over it. She randomly climbs out and runs away aimlessly, just to get away from Nick. God, I hope they address this with them, because honestly? I need Ness to happen. I ship them so hard.
Fingers crossed til next episode!