Once Upon A Time: Fe Fi Fo…Wait, I Know You. I Hate You!

Last week’s Once Upon A Time, wasn’t actually super interesting for me. So I will summarize it pretty quickly. Cora brought the giant from Fairytale Land, and Hook led Snow and Charming to him. Hook also flirted with Snow a bit, but Charming gave him the “I will fuck you up” look, and he stopped. They freed the giant. Too bad he wasn’t terribly grateful. As a matter of fact, he was super gung ho on murdering the ever loving crap out of David. Rude.

David was like why? The giant ran away but that damn Regina found him and gave him some Wonderland mushroom and made him giant. He terrorized the town looking for David. In a flashback, we see that James, David’s twin brother, was a class act douche. He was sleeping with some chick, when his dad barged in and lectured him about doing something to help their kingdom, which was totes broke. Meanwhile, the giant, or Tiny as his ginormous bag of dicks brothers called him, was unhappy with his lot in life. The giants planted and harvested magic beans, but because of the greed of humans, they kept themselves and their beans secrets. Tiny was the Little Mermaid of giants, aka nosy as hell about humans. After one of his ahole brothers broke his toy harp a la King Triton in Arielle’s doohickey cave, Tiny stomped out in full tantrum. He lumbered on down to earth, and ran into James and his girlfriend, Jacqueline, or Jack, as she liked to be called. Oh snap. No bueno.

They gave him Wonderland mushroom and he shrank to normal size. (Also, this Jack chick mentioned defeating a Jabberwocky. Um, I thought that was Alice…Anyways.) After making him feel welcomed and beloved, they lay their sob story of being broke on Tiny. Like the shrunken giant idiot he is, he told them all about the treasures he had. His mushroom wore off and he lumbered back up the beanstalk. While gathering treasure for them, his big bro called him on his stupid actions. Sure enough, immediately after that, the alarms went off, because James and his buds were attacking. They totally poisoned and killed all of Tiny’s brothers, and Tiny was all that was left. Right before he died, Tiny’s big bro stabbed Jack, and James totally abandoned her. HAHAHAHA. Tiny burned all the magic bean fields, but was able to save a little sprout to plant in the future.

After David and Snow proved that David wasn’t James, they saved the giant when his big goofy ass flew through the air and landed on the concrete and fell through it, shrinking back to tiny size. He told them about the bean sprout, and planted it in the Enchanted Forest.

Oh! And that damn nosy out-of-towner overheard forgetful Belle claim to have seen Rumple hold a fireball in his hands. They shared their stories. Damn it.  Meanwhile, Rumple, Emma, and Henry went off to find Baelfire. He looked terrified while flying on a plane. Poor baby. And he has no magic in the real world. Uh oh. The previews for next week’s show has Emma chasing Bae, and when she executes a perfect flying tackle, and sees his face, she’s shocked.

Who the hell was it? I have a sneaky feeling it’s Henry’s papa. Let’s see what happens next week!

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