The Walking Dead: Abandoned and Under Pressure, Rick Is Nuttier Than Squirrel Poo…and Still Sexy?

It feels like I’ve been waiting FOREVER for the Walking Dead to come back. Now that it has, I find myself dreading the Merle and Darryl confrontation. Because I know my boo, and he’s going to pick Merle. Every damn time. His family is too important to him, and he’s going to let his guilt over Merle being abandoned convince him to stick with his mangy ass brother. 

The episode starts, and Merle and Darryl are facing off in another Zombie MMA style showdown. The Governor is 50 shades of psycho, and that damn worthless idiot Andrea is just standing there. Merle starts beating up Darryl, who fights back reluctantly. Andrea begs the Governor to stop, but he tells her the people have spoken. She’s supposed to be this badass though, but can’t knock a couple of lames away from her to help Daryl? I hate her. Anyway, Merle tells Daryl to follow along, and they fight each other and the zombies on a stick the crazy townsfolk keep leading to them. Suddenly, the sky is filled with arrows and bullets. 

   They came back for Daryl! I love it! Rick, Maggie, and someone else (I don’t remember. Shrug.) start taking people out and Daryl and Merle escape. Daryl snatches his crossbow from whoever had it, like a real ungrateful rude, but I loved it. Because really, no one does badass Robin Hood like Daryl. They escape through a hole they made in the gate. Andrea watched them leave and called for them, but it was smoky and like an idiot, she didn’t actually move towards them, she just stood in place. God, I hate her. 

   Anyway, the Governor just walked through the fog like a creep and didn’t say anything. He’s obviously completely lost it. Even more than before. Which means he’s the psychoest psycho there ever was, because he was 12 eggs short of a dozen before this. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anyone, a sneaky ass zombie found the whole Rick’s crew left and makes his way into town. Oh snapples.

   The Trio of Badassery is reunited, except Michonne and Glen are pissed that Merle was brought along and want him hella dead. Rick tells Daryl that Merle will fuck up everything for them and can’t come along. Daryl wishes them luck and says he’s sorry, but “No Merle, no me.” Poetic. 

   Rick tries to convince him to stay, but Daryl won’t budge. I love him, but he is so blind to his brother. He leaves with Merle, and my heart cries. Rick and the others head back to prison, but Rick warns Michonne that she’s too much of a wildcard, and as soon as she’s patched up, she’s out. She nods. Because why speak or show any facial expression at all.

   Back at the prison, those random newbies are burying their dead, and the one whose wife died plots to kill Carl and Herschel and take over the prison so they won’t have to leave. The leaders veto this. Obviously, that guy has to go. 

   Rick, Maggie, and Glen have to stop driving because there’s a fallen tree and broke down car in the street. Glen goes to put the car in neutral so they can move it, and a zombie pops out at him. He pulls it out and throws it on the floor and stomps its brains out for like 3 minutes. Super gross. And overkill. Literally. Rick and Maggie are like …the fuck? Glen loses his shit about them letting Merle go and not killing him. He talks about something happening to Maggie, and she’s like shut up, move on, and he freaks out. They’re having this like, family spat at top volume in the middle of the street. In the meantime, fucking zombies are crawling out of the woods, strolling down the streets straight towards them. I’m literally watching this, screaming at the TV for them to shut the fuck up and get in the car before they’re dinner. Sigh.

   Over in Woodbury, the townspeople are freaking the fuck out, and want to hit the road. They’re trying to escape, but the gate guards won’t let them leave. Ooooh, prison part deux. Andrea tries to help, but they get all sassy and loud with her. She should punch him in the nuts. I would. The mom from Teen Wolf is there, getting loud and being a real sass mouth. I like it. New favorite female character! Let’s hope she lasts. Anyway, while they’re chatting, screams fill the air. That zombie had him a snack. Andrea kills him real good, finally showing some worth. Then she reverts to her usual useless self and just stares at the half eaten, suffering victim. Obviously, she should shoot him because he’s going to turn soon, plus the poor man is suffering. Oh wait, she doesn’t have to. Psycho Bill aka The Governor left his tower of crazy, strolled on over, shot the dude in the head, and casually strolled back into his house. Deal with it. 

   Andrea follows him, and tries to talk some sense into him, but he’s like, get out here, stranger. She asks him about Daryl and he admits that he was there to come after Glen and Maggie. She questions him, but he’s back in cuckoo land and ignores her. She goes back down and gives the townspeople a stirring speech about pulling themselves together and moving on, and how when people write about the zombie apocalypse years from now, they’ll write about their town because they survived, blah blah blah. I would’ve been like, hey bitch. You’ve only been here for like a week. How about you cool it with the pretending like you were here the whole time, kay? But they’re all sheep, so they nod and smile and are inspired. 

   Back at the prison, everyone is reunited, and Carol is heartbroken to learn that Daryl left to be with Merle. And Hershel’s youngest daughter, who is like 13 or 14, runs and hugs Rick and gives him a wifely kiss on the cheek. He looks at her like what the fuck are you doing. She’s all creepy and serene. Um. You are a child. Calm down. Plus, Carl will shit bricks because he is clearly obsessed with her. Carol builds Judith a cute “Lil Asskicker” crib out of a mail box carton. Rick holds his daughter, but she’s all who the hell are you and starts crying. He zones out, and her cries become all echoey, and for a second, I am terrified he’s about to freak out and hurl his daughter across the jail. Luckily, he doesn’t.

   The randoms ask if they can stay, but Rick is like nope. Get out. Herschel tries to talk some sense into Rick, and for a minute, it looks like it worked. But then, he sees a super creepy vision of Lori on the landing above him. He starts yelling at her, and then at the randoms, and they’re like Oh shit, he’s crazy, RUN! I don’t blame him. Shoot, pretty much everyone ran for the hills. Rick is a real badass, but dude’s got at least three screws loose. He loses none of his sexiness as a result. In fact, it is increased exponentially. I clearly have terrible taste in men. I love Darryl because he kills everything with his crossbow. Rick is never sexier than when he’s hallucinating. Apparently, I draw the line at keeping zombie heads in fish tanks and playing with your zombie daughter’s hair. At least I have my priorities straight!

Can’t wait to see next week’s episode. I am still praying for a change of heart for Darryl. Fingers crossed and legs open! (Let’s keep it real.)

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