Supernatural: I Lust After a Handmaiden & We All Agree That LARP is Awesome

   So this is definitely my favorite episode of the season so far. It was gruesome, as per yoozh, but it was also hilarious and amazing. Now I have a confession. As fabulous and the definition of cool that I am, I do have a huge nerdy side. And I have always wanted to try LARP (Live Action Role Playing) because it just looks like freaking so much fun. So this episode had it all. Incredahot guys, nerdiness, badassness, and oh yeah, incredahot guys. So I was an extremely happy camper. The only thing that could have made this better is if I had gotten to see at least one of my boys half naked.

   The episode starts with this nerd walking into his house, arguing on the phone with, obviously, another nerd. They are arguing over cheating and a girl and I have no clue what. The dork is like, it’s just a game, jeez. Obviously the other dude is pissed, because he texts him “You will pay for this”. Oookay. The nerd goes to sleep, and suddenly a tattoo starts forming on his arm. It looks like the Timberland tree logo. So the Timberland tree forms on his forearm, and then you hear horses whinnying in the background. The guy wakes up as his arms and legs are spread eagled on the bed.    He starts screaming, and you see the impression of rope burns form on his wrists and ankles. As I watched it, I was like holy shit! He’s about to be drawn and quartered, and God, I hope they don’t show it. And then they do. But it’s not so bad. I mean, it’s horrible for that guy, but not so much for me. And of course we get our signature Supernatural blood splatter shot. I love that shot. It’s totally become synonymous with Supernatural’s style, so if I don’t see it I feel lost. Shrug.

   Next, we see Dean and Sam driving in the Impala. Both of them are kind of awkward together, but they’re trying, especially Dean. They’re both trying to act as if neither of them are sad about “breaking up” with important people, but they are. Dean is sad about losing his best friend, and Sam is sad about losing his gremlin- I mean his girlfriend. I don’t get why. She’s lucky he didn’t shoot a flare into her chest, as he does all Wendigos.

   Anyway, they are waiting for word from Kevin about the demon tablet and Sam is frustrated. Dean tells him that he knows Sam gave up something important to him, and that maybe they should take a night off and catch a flick or something. Just try to have fun. My boo is such a sweetheart! No matter what, he is always trying to fix his relationship with his baby brother. But Sam just isn’t feeling it but before he can reject Dean’s offer, Garth calls them.

   Apparently he tracks them by the GPS in their phone to tell them about wacky goings on in their vicinity. Ooookay. Sam’s not cool with it, but Dean admits it’s pretty smart in a Bobbyesque way. Garth tells them about the drawn and quartered dude, and they agree to research it. Sam tells Dean that as long as they’re waiting for Kevin, working a case is their fun. Lame.

   They head to the crime scene, and bump into a grizzled sheriff. He just so happens to become my season favorite side character. He is hilarious and gives no fucks about anything. Kills me. He just makes all these dry, snarky comments that are amazing. Like describing the vic, he says he lives along, total shocker, considering his place is filled with toys. Ha!

   He tells them about what happened. Sam asks him if anything was missing from the body, and the sheriff looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Um, besides the arms and legs? Nope. Even has his twig and berries”. I can’t with this man. He’s amazing. He mentions a neighbor complained about hearing horses stomping and galloping outside, but insists she was probably dreaming or heard a TV. Either that or she was high as balls. Again, I am unable to even.

   He reads them some text messages from the suspected killer in this great, deadpan way. Amazing.

“‘You shall bleed for your crimes against us’, followed by the emoticon of a skull.” (His face is priceless as he describes it. Almost gleeful.)

“And this beauty, ‘I am a mage. I will destroy you.’ (Indulgent head tilt and smile) These kids today, with their texting and murder.” HAHAHAHA. OMG, I cannot. I love him and need him in my life.

   Sam and Dean head to the police station to interrogate the suspect. This guy is a mess. He’s sobbing and weeping. He denies the text messages are from him. When Dean tells him they were on his phone, he explains that they were from him but not him him. Dean is like, “Did you really think that sentence was going to clear things up?” He explains further that the text messages were from Greyfox the Mystic to Thargrim the Difficult. Um, can we take a second to talk about this? Thargrim the Difficult? I’ve played World of Warcraft and similar games, (shut up.) and I know the names are like that, but “the Difficult”? What the hell is that? That’s horrible. Not even a little creative and definitely not intimidating. That’s like, a nickname for a bratty toddler, not a badass warlock. Le sigh.

   Sorry, back to the show. So anyway, apparently he’s a mage in this game, MoonDoor, and his friend is a warlock or something ridiculous like that. And when I say ridiculous, I mean it sounds so much fun and I totally want to try it! Anyway, Sam and Dean just stare at this guy, like what the hell? This guy is hella serious about this, so they play along. He explains it’s LARPing, and they’re like sure. He tells them about a website they can check. Greyfox the Mystic also tells them that he thought Thargrim was cheating, so he challenged him to a duel. Dean’s like, um with magical wands? Greyfox gets a bit patronizing considering his last sentence WAS “I challenged him to a duel”, and is like “No, unmagical wands, because what I really want in a duel is an unmagical wand.” Um, no need to get snippy, Greyfox. I can totally understand my boos confusion. Well, then Greyfox starts sobbing again, so they leave him alone.

   They head out to use the precinct computers and search for info on the MoonDoor Festival. They see pictures of Greyfox at the festival, and Dean thinks it looks pretty awesome. Sam judges him, so Dean keeps his admiration to himself. His adorable head nods and appreciative grins as they watch a video on it are the cutest. Suddenly, they find themselves shocked to recognize the Queen of MoonDoor. It’s Charlie! The badass hacker chick that helped them take down Dick Roman. Love her!

   Cut to the interrogation room, and their suspects arm starts itching. He looks down, and sees the Timberland tree tattoo on his arm. He suddenly coughs up blood, and then kind of has an internal explosion or something. Ick.

   The sheriff, Sam, and Dean watch the video of the suspect bleeding to death. That adorable old sheriff is like “Eww. God forbid he was contagious. I’m gonna go dip myself in hand sanitizer.” OMG. LOL! Jeez, don’t have compassion or anything. Sam, being the sexy techie genius he is, spots the Timberland tattoo, or the Mark of the Creepy, as Dean says. They don’t really have any leads, but luckily they know the queen.

   Sam and Dean go the festival, and as they get there, a squire (or something) is putting an orc in chains and a wooden head and arm, trappy thingy. I don’t fucking know. Anyway, my boys are just watching this spectacle, and the orc is spouting off nonsense about the Queen falling, when suddenly the squire is like, “Silencium” or something to the effect of shut it. And throws a bean bag at his face! A bean bag!   Oh my, I laughed so hard watching that. It was like, a gentle toss, and it hit him square in the nose. Best part? The orc totally shut it, and respected the “powers” of the…spell bag? Oh my Lord, the writers of Supernatural are so amazingly talented. I love this fucking show, dude.

   When the squire is done talking to the orc, Sam and Dean flash their FBI badges so they can question him. The guy’s like, “Time out” and explains that they’re aren’t meshing genres this weekend. They explain they’re actually FBI and are immediately called out on their fake badges. This dude points out like six things on their badges that have been changed on the new badges. Ouch. Time to update your shit, boys. Embarrassing!

   The squire tells them they can join the Queen’s army, but can’t see her because she’s booked months in advanced. He points them in the direction of a place where they can see what’s in store for them in her army. Next you see two knights jousting or whatever. The loser yields, and the winner pulls off the helmet in a real cute, Herbal Essence commercial kind of way, and it’s Charlie. She starts to deliver a speech about needing soldiers since Greyfox and Thargrim are missing, when she spots Sam and Dean.   She freezes and then says a hilarious, game language curse. Something like, Oh blerk. She excuses herself and hurries into this badass tent, where Dean and Sam follow her.

   At first, she doesn’t want to talk to them, because wherever they go, monsters follow. Pretty much, milady. She starts to leave and drops her crown on Dean’s head. He looks amazing. She stops when they tell her about Thargrim and Greyfox. I need to interject that I adore Charlie. She is like, a lesbian version of Dean. So funny.

   Charlie explains that her army has had a lot of bad luck lately. She also explains that they all got along great in real life, but in the game, they had enemies. She leads them over to this chart, where she has the different factions of the game shown by different colored army men, and has them on the spot on the map where their bases are. I guess it’s some kind of way to strategize where to attack and defend and so forth. They’re talking about the case, but Dean is all sidetracked by the map. He gives her a suggestion about how to utilize her soldiers better and she’s like, nice, what about this. Sam interrupts them like, wtf? They get back to business, but Dean very casually moves a piece on the map to help her and they share a quick, nod of acknowledgement. Love them!

   Dean thinks Charlie should get out of harm’s way, but Sam thinks they need her to stay and help. She agrees that as the Queen, she needs to stay and protect her people. Le sigh. Sam gets a call from the coroner, and Greyfox’s toxicology reports show he has nothing in his system, but his body show clear signs of being poisoned by belladonna. Dean and Charlie both think he’s talking about the porn star, but Sam tells them it’s a poison. Also, hahahaha. The porn star! Amazing.

   Sam heads off to the tech tent to do some research, while Dean and Charlie are going to tour the area and ask questions. Charlie tells Dean he needs to change if he’s going to walk with the Queen, and he totally looks excited. Ha!

   Sam finds a seat next to a cute nerd chick, Maria aka Golandria the Wicked. Adorable. He starts researching and she checks him out. Duh.

   Dean changes and looks fucking gorgeous in his knight’s outfit. Moving on. He’s given her a rundown of everything that’s happened since they last saw each other, and she calls him out on the dick move of sending a phantom text from whatsherface. He admits it wasn’t his finest move, but stresses that in their line of work, you can’t form attachments, you have to let go. She thinks he’s talking about himself now, which he denies. You and I both know he’s talking about his bromance with Benny. Which I’m still heartbroken about. 😦

   Anyway, they walk along and let me just say, Charlie is getting the sex eye from more than a few maidens. She’s also very unsubtle about picking them up. Like, “Hey, meet me in my tent later.” Whoa. Get it, girl!

   As they’re walking, Charlie explains she got into this LARPing deal as a way to escape from real life, and pretend to be a hero. Dean stops her and tells her they never would have beaten Dick Roman without her help, and in real life, she is a hero. Squeeee!!! Le Sigh!!! So sweet! I tell you what. Dean can get it.

   Sam is looking at corpses and injuries when the chick next to him helps him figure shit out. She points out that the only people not hurt were people from the Shadow Orcs. They also find out that the Mark of the Creepy is related to fairy magic. So basically, a fairy or something is killing people? Fun!

   Meanwhile, Charlie and Dean are still questioning people, with Charlie picking up maidens left and right. They come across the orc who was chained by that squire and question him. He sucks at keeping secrets and lets slip that the symbol is the family crest of the Shadow Orc King. He also let’s slip where they are. Dork. Hahaha.

   Sam is leaving, and Golandria propositions him. He rejects her and she’s all indignant, like, “Your loss.” Um, no sweetie. Pretty sure it’s your loss. He’s like, the definition of a man. He’s so freaking delicious. Good lord.

   Dean and Charlie are heading into the forest when the squire or whatever the hell he is stops them. I think his name is Boltar. Charlie gets all flustered when trying to explain Dean, and blurts out that he’s her new handmaiden. Love it! And first time I’ve ever lusted after a handmaiden. Sweet.

   Dean tells Charlie to find Sam and tell him what happened, and Boltar and Dean head over to the Shadow Orcs. Charlie seems to get lost immediately, and is of course, followed by someone. She spins around, and behind her lurks a Shadow Orc. He growls, and throws a black bean bag at her, but dodges it and throws a red bean bag at his face and cries, “Dark magic!”. Oh my God. He yells, “My eyes! The stinging of your attack burns my very soul!” and scurries away. Holy shit. I must have rewinded that scene and watched it like three times. Hilarious.

   When she turns around again, there is this huge Shadow Orc behind her again, but this one has some kind of animal skeleton mask on. Super creepy. She throws a bean bag at him too, but somehow, her cry of dark magic doesn’t seem to work on this one. Shocker. It waves its cloak over her face and she disappears. Oh snapple.

   Dean and Boltar don’t find the Shadow Orcs but Boltar suggests a plan to lure them out. Sam meets up with them, and they realize Charlie is missing. Charlie wakes up in a tent, and the creepy animal skeleton face thing just stands there staring at her. Charlie tries to leave, but running out of one exit only brings her back inside through another exit. Awesome. She asks the thing not to kill her via an adorable Notting Hill reference. The thing removes its mask, and it’s a hot fairy chick. Charlie gives her the sex eye, immediately. Oh lord.

   Sam, Dean, Boltar, and the prisoner orc go to meet with the Shadow Orc King. They ask about the Queen and he denies knowledge. Dean loses his patience and threatens to shoot them, but the king has no clue what they’re talking about. The reason the Mark of the Creepy is his family crest is because it showed up on his arm one night after he got sick and he thought it looked cool. They let him go, and the prisoner orc admits he saw something creepy by the river.

   The Winchester brothers and Boltar head that way to find Charlie. She is perfectly fine, however, chatting up Gilda, a fairy brought to this realm by a spell and forced to kill at her master’s orders.

Gilda explains that the only way to free her is to get her master’s spell book and destroy it. Charlie tells her she will rescue her, and then they give each other the sex eyes. Good lord, just have at it already. LOL

   Sam and Dean find the tent, and try to get Boltar to leave, but he refuses. They go inside the tent, and walk in on Charlie and Gilda in full on make out mode. She’s a bit pissed that they v-blocked her, but eh. Gilda sees Boltar and freaks out, since he’s her freaking master. Awesome.

   He forces Gilda to use her magic to turn their guns into feathers. He is pissed because he just wanted to become the King to Charlie’s Queen. He’s pretty much crazy. Dean tells him he was a loser in real life and now a loser in this game. He’s like “Would a loser track down a spell book and compel a fairy to do his bidding?” And Sam’s like, “Depends. Where’d you get the book?” “Um…E-bay.” Oh man, with the embarrassing. This little dweeb. Sam tries to talk him out of being crazy, but Boltar has Gilda make his fake sword real and goes to attack them. He has also has Gilda magic a suit of armor to take on “the big one” while he takes on Dean. Epic battle ensues, but clutzy McIdiot drops his spell book and Charlie destroys it like a boss. The former damsel saves the fairy damsel. Classic. Dean gives him a quick and sexy backhanded fist and knocks him out. Gilda and Charlie make out one last time, before   Gilda leaves with Boltar/Jerry so he can face the Fairy Tribunal for punishment. He’s screwed.

   Sam and Dean are ready to leave, and Charlie says bye, mentioning she has to go lead her now small army against the Shadow Orcs. Dean asks Sam what’s next, since he knows he doesn’t want fun. He quickly adds that he knows Sam lost something huge, and he needs time. Sam tells him he’s right, and that having fun won’t help him. It will help both of them.

   What follows is the best thing I have ever seen in my life. This will forever go down as one of Supernatural’s best scenes and best episodes. Picture this: Sam, with hair pulled back in a ponytail, a la The Patriot, in his knight’s gear, his face painted half white, half red. Dean, long, flowing blond locks, a headband, knight’s gear, and same face paint. Dean is leading this army into battle, and delivers an amazing speech, (because it is straight out of Braveheart) with only a minor interruption for a Frisbee retrieval. At the end of the speech, they run into battle, the last shot frozen on them charging forward.

 I’ve included a picture, so you can enjoy the amazingness of that final scene, that will live with me forever. I die.

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