The Walking Dead: Rick, Michonne, & Daryl = The Baddest of Asses

This week is all about my favorite characters in The Walking Dead; Rick, Daryl, and Michonne. HELL YEAH!!! And also, SQUEEEEEEE!!!
Ok, now to business. The episode starts with Rick staring out the prison gate at a icky, sticky, bloody Michonne, chillin like a villian with the other zombies. They lock eyes in a stare-off of badassery, neither willing to trust the other. All of a sudden, Michonne’s walker repellant starts to wear off and those fuckers look at her like she’s a nice juicy steak! Poor Michonne is all weak from blood loss, but she manages to summon her inner ninja and wasabi’s the fuck out of a few of those zombies. I cheer and holler as I think she’s about to show Rick exactly why he needs her on his side, when this chick fucking passes out and lays out on the floor, watching zombies descend on her face. Well fuck.

But alas! That little idiot boy to the rescue! Ok, fine. He saved the best chick in the whole damn series, so I suppose I can call him Carl. For now. I’m sure he’ll ruin everything again soon. CARL shoots the zombies away from her, and then my babylove Rick runs out and scoops her and her katana up, and carries her to safety. This is usually the point where I say, AWWWWW. They’re totally meant to be! But nope. I saw how Michonne stared at Andrea. She is all the way in love with her. But maybe they’ll be the bestest of biffles!

Over in Serial Killerville, Merle is torturing the bejesus out of Glen, who is acting real fucking tough. I likes it. But Merle doesn’t, and so commences the brutal beat down, while poor Maggie (I learned her name!!!!) listens to her love getting worked over, and cries. Sadness. After the beatdown, Merle comes in with a zombie on a leash of some sort. More like those wire things those asshole animal control people use to grab dangerous dogs and whatnot. Glen doesn’t cave even at the threat of becoming zombie sushi. And like the brave little warrior he is, even tied to a chair, Glen gets the upper hand and kills the zombie. The he let’s loose a totally unnecessary and emasculating scream of fury. Meanwhile, that slore Andrea is crawling out of the saggy-faced Governor’s (or as I like to call him, Sweeney Todd) bed, and pulling on some clothes. Sweeney looks real serious, and approaches her, and Andrea, being the hungry little slutbag she is, starts to crawl all over him. For the love of zombies, keep it in your panties, you twit! And then Mr. Todd is like, nope not right now. Jesus. Rejected by a droopy-cheeked gross. Ouch. Apparently, he has work for her. Sounds lame. Let’s move on.

Back with the Trio of Badassery, Rick is bringing Michonne around with an oddly appealing mixture of tenderness and asshole-ishness. “Alright, alright now, you’re safe. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! Hush, hush, no one’s going to hurt you. HOW DID YOU FIND US?!?!” I don’t know about Michonne, but I am ready to tell him anything he wants to know, and do anything he wants to do…sorry. It just got weird.

ANYWAY, seems his mystery charisma does not work as well on Michonne, who remains unmoved. Then again, this bitch hasn’t made a facial expression other than “tough” since we first met her. So, for all I know, she wants him real bad. With Michonne though, it’s all about the eyes. Her face stays dead as fuck, but you can see the fury, I-will-chop-you-head-off mad in her eyes, or in Andrea’s case, the let’s get naked and look into each other’s eyes. So yeah. Um. Looks like his wishy-washy behavior is irritating her, but before shit can get really real, my boo Daryl shows up and tells him he has something Rick needs to see. Being the complete airhead that I am, I am bouncing in my seat, super excited to see what Daryl has to show Rick. Totally forgot about Carol. Teehee. Everyone is happy to see her, despite her horrid hairstyle, and cries with joy. That is until she spots beautiful little Asskicker and puts 2 and 4 plus 9 together and realizes Lori didn’t make it. I don’t know why Rick didn’t just tell her that bitch is still on the phone in the boiler room…Anywho, speaking of something which has nothing to do with anything we’ve been talking about, did you see Daryl’s biceps??!! Holy bulging glory! Yummmmmmmmy!

Anyway, seeing their closeness, Michonne decides to tell him that the dick who shot her grabbed the Asian dude and a pretty little white girl. Obvsies she’s talking about Merle snatching up Glen and Maggie. She asks them how they are there when the place is supposed to be overrun. Rick explains with a little bass in his voice that they cleared it out. Rick offers to give her enough food and water and whatnot to make it after Hershel fixes her leg up but then She tells them about the town, and they say they’re going after their people. Hell yeah they are!

As Rick, Daryl, Oscar, and Michonne get their shit together to go to Woodbury and save Glen and Maggie, back in Woodbury Andrea is being useless, as per yoozh. Sweeney took her to some basement and asked her to help his weird nerd friend do experiments on some old man in a bed. There was old-fashioned music playing, and apparently the old guy was dying and volunteered to let them test him once he turns. So, I’m going to long story short this bitch because it’s hella boring. Basically, they test his recognition of family and his name while he’s normal, and then when he turns into a walker, the nerd asks him the same questions to see if he recognizes his family still. He doesn’t. The not so smart after all dork miscontrues zombie finger clenching in a desire to eat his face off as a sign that he recognizes his family. Again, he doesn’t. Idiot nerd unties one arm and immediately almost gets knawed on. Andrea proves she’s not 100% worthless by knifing his skull lickety split. The science moron excuses himself posthaste, most likely to cry and change his undies, because he most definitely shat himself.

While Andrea was participating in the most pointless experiment known to man, Sweeney Todd took his creepy ass to see how the interrogations were going. He chose to question Maggie himself. Shocker! Fucking creep. Sure enough, after about 3 minutes of playing a normal human being, his serial killer rapey side came to the forefront as he told her to take off her shirt and bra or he would have someone bring Glen’s hand into the room. She pulls off her clothes, trembling as I hurl profanities at the screen. He takes off his utility belt (okay, Batman.) and walks over to her. Then he sniffs her like a real fucking weirdo. He rubs on her a little, slams her facedown on the desk, and she stays tough, even though you can see she’s fighting not to break, and tells him to just do what he wants to do and get it over with. He decides not to rape her. Lucky chick. BUT I have a real problem with this scene. Had that been me, he would’ve had the fight of his life on his hands. Her hands are free, he’s there alone, and there are so many weapons. She should have grabbed the chair and threw it or swung it, or held him off. Me, see as soon as he started walking towards me I would have bolted, titties flapping in the wind. Screw modesty, I’m running for the hills. Shit, I’m grabbing his Batman belt and swinging it at his face. Or even smarter, taking the knife and gun he has strapped to it and taking that motherfucker out. If she couldn’t make it to the belt, then she should have used her bra. Her boobs aren’t huge like some people, BUT those shits are dangerous. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a underwire nearly puncture a lung, or a hook get untwisted and almost sever my spinal cord. Flip that shit in the air like nunchuks and shred his ass to ribbons!

But she didn’t. So instead he dragged her still half-naked self to the room where Glen was being held. She looked heartbroken at the sight of his bruised, bloody, and swollen face, and he looked livid and heartsick at what it appeared might have happened to her. Even so, he didn’t break when they demanded to know where their group was. When Sweeney pointed his gun at Glen though, Maggie broke immediately. She told them how many were in their group and where they were located. Goddamnit.

The Governor was in disbelief. He had heard the prison was overrun with walkers and their group of 10 had cleaned it out? Oh man, the look on his face was priceless. He was shocked AND shitting bricks. AND pissed at Merle for bringing the wrath of badassery down upon them.

While all this was going down, The Trio of Badassery plus Oscar were making their way to Woodbury. Before they left, Carl proved me right and ruined everything but on a much smaller scale. Taking away an amazing name like Asskicker, Carl decided to name his baby sister after some third grade teacher no one cares about, named Judith. Fucking gross. So there you go. Her name went from awesome to boring in one fell swoop thanks to He Who Shall Not Be Named. UGH!

Anyway,  the Trio plus Oscar parked their cute little car a mile away from Woodbury and made their way by foot. All of a sudden they were being pursued by like a shitload of cracked out zombies. These bastards were booking after them with a real weird burst of energy and determination.They found some stinky shack and hid inside, but the zombies plastered themselves, literally, to the front of the building, blocking the door. The shot from outside was both hilarious and creepy as like 20 zombies pressed against the building with their arms straight above them.

Inside the building, they found some old coot huddled under the blankets and he quickly pulled a rifle on them. Rick tricked him and knocked the gun out of his hands. When the guy made a run for it, Michonne stabbed his in the back before he could run outside and let the zombies in. Rick quickly had the idea to open the front door and feed the zombies the dead body so they could make their escape, which they promptly did. Then there was a lovely close up of them literally tearing him apart and devouring him. Real freaking gross. And cool. I’m conflicted.

The episode ends with them lurking in the bushes right outside of Woodbury, plotting their entry. Holy motherfuckin shit!!! Next week is going to be crazy!!!! Can’t wait!

Til then, check out my next post about New Girl!

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2 thoughts on “The Walking Dead: Rick, Michonne, & Daryl = The Baddest of Asses

  1. What the fuck?! WHY would you think that Michonne wants Andrea?! You’re either REALLY stupid, You haven’t read the comics, Or you just really want some lesbians in this show. Michonne is most likely going to end up with Daryl…since he’s basically taken the place of Tyrese. know your facts before you blog…Just saying.

  2. No need to get all angry, baby. I’ve never read the comics, I just love the show. Oh and bt-dubs, there is no fact checking when you’re blogging about your opinions and reactions to a show, especially when you blog in a facetious way, like I do. you don’t like it, don’t read it. Problem solved sweetie. Thanks for reading the blog! Lol

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