Last week’s New Girl was freaking hilarious. The episode starts with Jess, Nick (NICK!), Cece, and two of her friends hanging out and drinking. They are talking about all kinds of crazy girl talk and Nick is totally part of it. Sadie, the gynecologist,( who is hilarious, btdubs) refuses to drink any wine. When they ask her what’s going on, she and her girlfriend announce that they’re having a baby. Happiness ensues and it’s lovely. In the background, you can hear Schmidt having very loud sex with his boss. They start speaking louder to drown it out, and Cece comments that Schmidt is just getting started with foreplay. They groan, and Nick, totally clueless as per yoozh, is all “Right? What are you going to do with 20 minutes of foreplay? BOOORING!!! Am I right, Am I right?” You can tell he figured out about half-way through that he was not right, because his voice totally started fading a way towards the end. And rightly so. He thinks that there is no need for foreplay? Poor sap. You know, he’s hilarious and cutesy, so I’ve been wondering why he’s so single (although he and Jess are totes MTB) but now I get it. He is TERRIBLE in bed! Or at the very least, sub par. SMH
ANYWAY, Jess and Cece are super happy for their friends, and I don’t know if it’s Jess or Cece who comment that they have plenty of time left to start their families, or or if the gyno is like, once you turn 30 your eggs are reduced by like 90% or some ridiculous number. Jess and Cece are shocked, but clearly Jess is the one who is the most freaked out. Her eyes are bugging out and her voice goes all weird. She starts freaking out and demanding to take a test that tells you if you still have viable eggs and how great your chance of conceiving is. Cece is not as concerned, but Jess tells her she is definitely taking that test with her. Nick is incredibly uncomfortable, and in fact, looks like he might vomit. It’s hysterical. Winston is on his way to work and Nick jumps at the chance to escape that horrible conversation and goes with him. There he feels inspired by Winston’s passion about his work, and decides he’s finally going to finish writing his zombie book. Winston is doubtful since Nick never finishes anything. Cut to a hilarious flashback of Nick with the most ridiculous hair style ever, toppling his Macbook on the floor, and then pretending he’s so disappointed. HA!
Meanwhile, Schmidt has just finished giving his boss the business when she tells him the one thing guaranteed to ruin a man’s life. She was “bored. and cold.” In other words he did NOT give her the good business. He gave her the real shoddy business. He is flabbergasted, since he has never been told this. He literally believes his entire world has been shattered. She shrugs and says maybe it will be better next time. Oh snap. Ouch.
Schmidt comes out as Jess’ friends are leaving, and begs Sadie to teach him how to please a woman; as a gynecologist AND a lesbian, she is obviously a Va-Genius. She tells him to make an appointment, which he promptly does. Meanwhile, once everyone is gone Jess is flying around the apartment in a panic. She runs to the window and screams out for Los Angeles to fertilize her. She tells Cece that she needs her nipples to have a purpose, and then screams out the window to give her nipples a purpose. That turns out to be a horrible mistake and they drop to the ground to hide in the dark.
The next day, everyone is talking in the kitchen, and Jess is getting rid of everything toxic, including the microwave. Nick is against it, because it’s what makes his burritos delicious. She accuses him of caring about his burritos more than her children, to which he argues that she’s putting him in a real tight spot. LMAO
Schmidt, being the amazing man he is, offers her the use of his sperm. In possibly the best way ever. And I quote “I must warn you, Jess. I don’t have sperms. I have tadpoles… of the gods. And I’m gonna give them to you. You can have them all, for all I care. That’s how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you having babies. Take my sperms.” I had to rewind that and watch it again. Hilarious!
She declines his generous offer, only to field another from Winston. He claims with his Blair Underwood-like complexion and her gorgeous baby blues, they would have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen. Nick pipes in that she better not even look at him. He is not having a baby with her, although that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t love it, even if he showed it by showing up at his school in his underwear. I am swooning at the sweet words flowing out of Nick’s mouth, while Jess feels it is necessary to point out she did not ask for anyone’s sperm. Jess has really lost her shit because she keeps clutching her stomach claiming her eggs are dying inside her. Nick thinks he can top that by explaining he has to write a novel. Winston asks Nick how his writing is going. He’s says great, he hasn’t written a single word. Jess looks crazed that he would compare his writer’s block to her empty uterus, but Nick feels he has good reason. Everyone talks about he never finishes anything and how writing a zombie novel doesn’t make him Hemingway. He realizes he needs to be more like Hemingway. He needs to drink, travel, have adventures, beat up a grown man and then make sweet love to him. He really doesn’t know anything about Hemingway. LOL
They go their separate ways, Jess to take her test, Schmidt to meet with the resident Va-Genius, Winston to sleep, and Nick to become Hemingway. All are sure to be a success. So Jess and Cece head to the doctors, only to be told that Jess has so many eggs that Sadie is surprised she can even walk. Jess immediately acts like she knew it all along, but is obvsies relieved. Sadly, it’s Cece who gets the bad news. If she wants to have babies, she needs to get started like yesterday. She doesn’t know what her boyfriend will think. Jess tries to cheer her up by telling her they would think like men. Cece is sad, and says that it’s easier for Jess because she doesn’t have to worry. But as Jess points out, she has a whole buncha eggs but not a single sausage. 😀
Meanwhile, Nick wakes Winston up and tells him they need to go seek adventure in the wilds so that he can be inspired. Winston grudgingly agrees, even though he only had 6 minutes of sleep. Turns out, the wilds are code for the zoo. Awesome! And Nick is drinking heavily. Even awesomer!
Elsewhere, Schmidt is meeting with Sadie to learn about pleasing a woman. Sadie starts off slow, but Schmidt immediately understands what she’s talking about. So she whips out a diagram and demonstrates a more sophisticated move. But Schmidt is all about it. What happens next is possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen. There will never be anything funnier on TV. Ever. After she shows him the move, he interrupts her and takes it over, demonstrating his prowess all over that diagram:
“That’s exactly what I do. I call that ‘Losing Nemo’… I see what you’re doing. That asymmetry right there? That’s crucial. Because then what I’ll do is, I’ll go outside, get the paper, then shake the neighbor’s hand. Then what I’ll do is I’ll tie a bow on it because it’s birthday time. Then I get on stage and I collect my Oscar. And then say, ‘Thank you to the people,’ ‘Thank you to the people.’ And get back down off-stage and get everybody into the sharing circle. Right down there in the sharing circle… And then, (slams his hand down) spike the volleyball. Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll and then answer his riddles three. Then what we’re doing is we’re dancing. We’re just gonna dance. We’re gonna dance for awhile. We’ll dance until you can’t dance anymore. Dance until you can’t dance anymore… And then… everybody. Gets. A churro.”
I don’t know what the fuck he just described but I wants it! Lucky freaking diagram. Best part, Sadie is full on horny during his demonstration. Schmidt is so good, he gave her the VERBAL BUSINESS!!! OMG!!! She proclaims him a Va-Genius, and then politely asks him to leave, since apparently her baby hormones are not as gay as she is.
Let’s have a moment of silence for possibly the best scene ever written.
Ok, back to the zoo. The girls run into Nick and Winston there. Nick is all the way drunk, and Winston is frustrated with his lack of focus. He calls him out and tells him he’s not a finisher and never will be. Nick is enraged and tries to slide open the snake exhibit to push Winston in, regardless of the fact that it is a solid glass pane, and not at all openable. Awesome. Winston goes home to get some sleep. Cece’s boyfriend shows up and Cece grills him about baby-making. He definitely wants one, but not for another 10 years. Pick Schmidt! Pick Schmidt!
Next we see Nick storm into Winston’s room and hand him his finished novel, Z is for Zombies. Winston proceeds to read it, while Nick sits on his bed and awaits his thoughts. Jess joins him on his bed, and Nick is triumphant. He knew Jess would pick him to be the father of her children. She plays along and moves in for a kiss, knowing he will jerk away which he totally does. I, along with the entire audience, am disappointed. They are joined by Schmidt, who after failing a second time with his boss, Emma, is reeling from learning that he is in love with Cece. That’s the reason he hasn’t been able to satisfy Emma. I mean, duh!
Winston joins them, and celebrates Nick’s finished words. It is also the worst book ever written, according to Winston. Nick misspelled rhythm 38 times AND included a mystery word puzzle in the middle of the book. The more Winston reads, the more I’m convinced that the book is, in fact, the best thing ever written. Please, FOX, pleeeeease publish that book!!!!
I will be writing to Fox to beg them for their literary goods. Check back for my next post about The Mindy Project!