The Walking Dead: Rick’s Pretty Much Lost It and Daryl’s in Lurve

Well, when Ricks goes crazy, he sure does go crazy. This dude spent like 82% of last night’s episode talking into a phone that’s not even connected to people who aren’t even alive anymore. I mean, if there was a contest for Who Can Go the Craziest, he’d definitely win it.
But let’s start at the beginning. Rick is in the boiler room, and the phone rings. He picks it up and there’s a girl on the other line. She says she’s somewhere safe and blobbityblobbity so on and so forth. Rick is all desperate to join her and she gets totally weirded out by his nutso vibe and is like I’ll call you later aka never. So Rick is feeling hopeful and goes out to join the others. He checks on that dumb kid, you know, ole what’s his face. Carl! And then everyone looks relieved and starts to talk and he’s like, ‘Kay, bye! And disappears again.
Glen and his lady friend decide to go on a run and find some baby supplies and ammo or some such. Meanwhile, Darryl, new jailbird, and Carl go decide to clear out more cell blocks. I’m hopeful a zombie will swallow Carl whole. So anyway, that’s happening.
Elsewhere is Zombieland, Captain Hook and his pirates are hunting Michonne but that crazy, creepy chick has hacked up some zombies and very creatively and nauseatingly used some spare dismembered body parts telling them basically, to fuck off and go away. Merle, I mean Cptain Hook is all “Arrrgh! Let’s make her walk the plank, me mateys” but in uneducated hillbilly talk. Everyone is like sure, except this one dude with luxurious curly locks, who is cowering like a pussy against a tree, crying and trembling. Um, hello!? There are spiders in those trees! Good God man! Step away before you’re bitten! Oh, the zombies might bite too. So double chastised! Anyway, while they’re admiring Michonne’s HAND-y work (get it??? Bwahahaha) this Samaurai crazy lady drops from the trees, beheads one dude and spears the other. Then she kicks Hook in the nuts for good measure, to which I guffawed loudly. Michonne, you make my heart sing. Anyway, she gets shot in the leg but still escapes. These guys really suck. Way embarrassing.
Meanwhile, apparently I gave Andrea way too much credit in my last post. I thought after seeing the barbaric zombie throw down, she realized her mistake. But nope, she decides to stay and help them patrol. But she’s way over zealous, and embarrasses the girl who is trying to teach her how to shoot a crossbow, even though the little twit can’t do it either. I mean, the arrows literally bounced off the walkers. Sigh. Anyway, Andrea is immediately taken off wall duty and placed on penis duty. That is, she totally has sex with the way creepy and not so former serial killer, The Governor. She really is the biggest idiot on this show. I hope her head ends up in The Gov’s freakshow head in a fishbowl room.
Back to people I actually care about. Rick is still talking to dead people on the broken phone…
BTW, Michonne got covered in walker innards while fighting and later runs into a pack of them but they run right fucking by her. Whaaaa?
Anyway, Glen and that one chick go shopping and Michonne sees them from afar but some voodoo witchy instinct tells her to stay hidden. Sure enough Merle shows up, and after a really embarrassing standoff with Glen in which Glen is quickly made to look like a loser, he kidnaps them and forces them to go back to the Stepford Town and Governor Head in a Box.
Back in Nutball Central, Lori finally gets on the broken phone and clues Rick into the fact that he’s been talking to his dead buddies, Amy, Dale, and idc who else. Rick tells her he loves her and wishes he could’ve fixed things between them but he didn’t know how. She tells him she loves him but to get the fuck up and take care of their children. Rick wakes up in Normal Mode, and finally goes to see his Precious Little Asskicker. While he was chatting up his dead wife, Darryl bonded with Carl by sharing a sad and morbid tale of how his mommy died too, because she burned herself alive falling asleep with a cigarette. So touching. But I swear, Darryl gets more and more adorable as his sweet side keeps showing up. While they’re talking a walker shows up, and he has a knife in his throat. Darryl pulls it out and realizes its Carol’s. He sends everyone away,and sits on the floor in front of a door that a fat walker is blocking, and mopes. He stabs the floor over and over again, hesitant to go move the dead walker away from the blocked door. I think it’s because he’s scared to find a dead, zombiefied Carol in there. He finds Carol, but she’s not a zombie. I mean, she looks pretty terrible and her hair certainly isn’t doing her any favors, but she’s alive, barely. He scoops her up and saves the day. Awwwwww!!!
Meanwhile, Rick is outside holding Little Asskicker when his eagle eyes spot Michonne strolling up with her zombie homies (seriously dude, she was like a mile away! How?!). And the end. Crazy right? And not just Rick, the whole episode! Well, see you next time when I talk about Beauty and the Beast!

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