Last night on Once Upon A Time, the show started with those dwarves mining for fairy dust or whatever. They are definitely not cheerful, friendly dwarves, whistling while they work. They wanted a beer break, and Grumpy started lecturing them about their work ethic but then when he swung his little pick axe and slammed it through the rocks he fell right on through. Super embarrassing. But inside, there were all these pretty, sparkly diamonds on the ceiling that the fairy chick said can be turned to fairy dust. Score! The fairy godmother said they would have Snow and Emma back within 24 hours, and she would hide the Hatter’s hat to keep it safe.
Then, they did what was probably the stupidest thing ever. They got all prematurely celebratory, and ran up to Granny’s and hollered and cheered and got drunk and basically announced to all the bad guys that they found a way to have a happy ending. So obviously, that stupid old king from Fairytale Land still had a major hate on for Charming, and decided he was going to turn the town against him and ruin everything. Umm, duh. You practically dared the villains to try something when you publicly celebrated before actually accomplishing anything. Sigh.
So anyway, the King is all, “I’m going to ruin your life, you stupid head shepard!” And the Prince is all, “Bring it.”
So he totally brought it. But more on that later.
So meanwhile, Red Riding Hood is stressing because since the spell she hasn’t had to practice controlling the wolf in her, and it’s the first full moon since the spell broke. Granny, looking real tough in her smelter’s apron and mask, put together some cage. Or maybe it was just the walk-in freezer. Whatevs. Anyway, they decided that night to lock Red up. Meanwhile, some tow truck driver was all, “Hey girl, you’re so pretty. I’m Gus.” Umm…if you watch Disney movies, you know Gus is Cinderella’s fat ass mouse, that turned into a horse or something, and then back into a chunky little mouse. Gross. That would have been an immediate rejection from me. Come to think of it, it was an immediate no from Red too. Belle came and saved her and claimed they had a girl’s night planned, and Red went along with it. She told Belle it was because of her wolfiness, but we all know the truth. Rats are gross.
SO anyway, night falls, moon rises, and Red wolfs out. She breaks out, and low and behold, her little mousey boyfriend was torn into two over night. Icktastic. She freaks out and wants to be locked up in jail, and Charming doesn’t want to because she’s his buddy. Throughout the episode, there have been all these flashbacks to her past, and her and Snow are all besties and running from the Queen’s men together. They get separated because Red tore her cloak and is scared it won’t work. They agree to meet the next day, but someone steals Red’s cloak in the morning. She runs after him and it’s a super hot guy who also happens to be a Child of the Moon. Way to try and cute up “werewolf”. Anyway, he was fake burning her cloak, she attacked him and they looked like they were about to enjoy some sexy time, when he flashed his eyes at her, and was like, let’s go meet the pack. Turns out, her mom was still alive and leading a wolf pack. She taught Red how to control her inner wolfiness, and they ran and howled and ate rabbit, and stared at their reflection in the water, and whatever else wolves do. Fun times.
Meanwhile, Snow tracked them to their hidden cave or whatever, and led the Queen’s men straight to the pack. Way to go, idiot. Some stupid knight killed Quinn or whatever the hot wolf’s name was, and I kinda lost interest at that point. So he died, the wolves totally broke the soldiers necks, and then Red’s mom blamed Snow (rightly so, IMO) and totally wanted to eat her. Eww. Red was like, “Oh, no you didn’t!” And pushed her mom away from Snow, and totally killed her mom by mistake. Oopsie daisy.
She and Snow became BFFs and went to live in a cabin.
Back in Storybrooke, Charming realized it was that crazy old coot who killed Gus-Gus and was framing Red to make Charming look like a lame. That didn’t work. Red wolfed out and decided to martyr herself, and the old King and his townfolk morons trapped her in an alley. With pitchforks and shovels and TORCHES! Seriously?! I know you’re from Fairytale Land or whatever, but you’ve been in Storybrook for like 30 years! Hello! It’s 2012! Ugh. Get a shotgun or M-16 or something! Sigh. How embarrassing for them.
Anyway, they were all scared to approach Red, but Charming just strolled on over and was like, “Hey there, girl. Don’t eat me. Good girl.” And so she didn’t. He’s so dreamy.
So yeah, the old man escaped, and because the Fairy Godmother did such a stellar job hiding the Hatter’s hat, (you know, the one that is their only hope to find Emma and Snow?That one?) the King couldn’t find it. Oh… no, wait. That’s right. She SUCKS at hiding things, he immediately found it, and had a dream crushing bonfire right in front of the Prince. Charming is totally about to shoot the King in his face while I cheer loudly from the couch, but then he backs out because he’s such a swell guy. Lame. So he lived. And Charming went home. Red ran around like a fool.
Oh yeah, and Henry is still stuck in what appears to be hell in his dreams. He keeps seeing some ditzy ass broad swirling around in circles screaming. Henry wakes up and has a legit burn on his hand. Ouchie. Regina and Gold help him control his dream with a necklace, and next time he sleeps, that crazy, wailing chick is Sleeping Beauty. Awesome. The end. Pretty much.
K’ Bye! Next time, I’ll talk about Revenge!