Umm…Hi?

So yeah. It’s been like over a year since I posted. Wow. I am not at all on top of this, huh?  But in my defense, I was super busy. Like, finally finish my Master’s Degree in Creative Writing busy. So, you know, busy. Plus being a mom. AND I read a lot. And sometimes I do other stuff too. So SUPER busy…Ok, let’s face it. I just got super lazy.

I was doing stuff and kept putting off writing my next post until I totally forgot about it. And keeping it real, I only remembered it because I’ve gotten like 20 billion spam comments on my posts lately. So annoying. But then I went back and read some of my posts and rememebered how much I loved writing it. I’m really funny and clever. 

I’m probably also talking to myself. I mean, who follows a blog that posts like every other year? You should! I’m worth the wait, damn it! 

Anyway, all my shows are on hiatus until forever, so I won’t start posting again regularly until they come back. If I start a new show or have something I have to share with the world about my soap opera, General Hospital, then I might post before then. Otherwise, see you in October! I promise!

 

Jen

Arrow: Oliver Needs to Krav Maga Tommy & Dig Abandons Ship

It’s been too freaking long! But this week’s episode of Arrow has brought me out of my work/school hibernation. First because my Olliepop gets hotter and hotter every freaking time I see him. Every. Freaking. Time. Also, because I have a deep seated hatred of Tommy that just needs to be expressed. So. Much. Hatred.

So, in this episode, Oliver and Laurel have been reconnecting as friends. Diggle and Felicity give him a little bit of a hard time about it. Dig also makes a point to remind Oliver that they need to focus on Dead Shot.

Oliver shows up at Laurel’s law office to pick her up for lunch, but she has to cancel because an important case came up. She explains a little bit about it, how this guy stole the savings of the family she’s representing, and they’re going to court the next day. As Oliver is leaving, he meets them. It’s a sweet little family of three, the parents and a cute little boy.

Later that night, a lawyer knocks on the door of the family’s house, and the husband opens it. I immediately knew something was wrong, because this dude looked super creepy. Sure enough, he opened a brief case and shot the dad like 4 times through it. Then he casually walked through the house knocking shit over, without a care in the world. The mother comes out of her son’s room to see what’s going on and is immediately shot up. The poor little boy sees this and is terrified. This creepy ass bastard goes into the room without hesitation to kill the boy, but the boy, Max, is so damn smart and climbed out the window and bounced.

The killer gets a phone call, and its Rasmussen, the man the family was taking to court. He asks the assassin if the job is done, and the guy is like not yet, but it will be. What a fucking jerk.

Meanwhile, Laurel’s werewolf ass looking father meets with Thea’s new boyfriend, Roy. He claims to want to bring the Vigilante to justice, but Quentin dismisses him. Roy steals Quentin’s walkie-talkie and takes off. Later as he has a meal with Thea, the radio goes sounds and announces that something is going down and they suspect the Vigilante is involved. He takes off to look into it, only to walk into a trap set by Quentin, who knew he’d stolen the walkie. He arrested Roy, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his lack of slickery. Lame. I expected more from the boy who flipped around and crab walked on the wall all unnecessarily while saving Thea from muggers.

Diggle meets with his agency contact, which immediately calls him out on using her to find Deadshot. She knows Deadshot killed his brother and she warns him if he tries to get involved on the case at all, she will have him arrested. Ungrateful ho.

Anyway, the next day, Oliver hears about Max and his parents’ and hurries to see Laurel. Tommy is there and is all pressed because Oliver is hanging around Laurel. I literally want Oliver to choke him out, because he is being a real ungrateful dick, considering Oliver saved both Tommy and Malcolm from sure death. But whatevs. He insists that he will take care of her, and Oliver insists he’s just worried about Max because he met the family the day before. When Tommy asks when he met them, Oliver is like, when I was here to pick Laurel up for lunch. He instantly realizes that Tommy had not a fucking clue about those plans, and is like oops. Guess Laurel didn’t tell you. Awkward.

Later on, Ollie tells Felicity and Dig that’s he’s going back to Laurel’s to watch over her, because Laurel decided to let Max stay with her until his grandparents could come from Melbourne. Dig called him out on his getting too close to Laurel again. Felicity informed them that she managed to hack Dig’s agency friend’s system and found out that they were planning to lure Deadshot into a trap the next night. Diggle asked Oliver to be there, and he agreed.

That night, Max was super sad, and Tommy helped him cope a little bit by telling him that he would see his parents whenever he closed his eyes. It was actually a really sweet moment that temporarily made me think he was sweet. Laurel was equally blinded to his general annoyingness by that moment. A knock on the door interrupted them, and restored my sanity to a place where I was back to hating Tommy a lot. It was the creepy ass assassin, and Laurel was immediately suspicious. She made him hold his badge to the door, and she freaked out, because she could tell it was a fake because of the badge number. She played it off like she wasn’t suspicious, but he knew. She backed away from the door with Tommy just as the guy shot in the door. She ran out of the room while Tommy jumped over the couch and dragged Max to the floor. It was brave to cover Max’ body with his own, but I still think it was kind of moronic to just lie on the ground and hope the killer wouldn’t find them. Turns out, he immediately began shooting in the area they were in. Laurel is a badass, and came out blasting with a rifle. But she got off like one shot before the damn thing got stuck or something, and was totally about to take a bullet to the nose when the Vigilante bust through the window.

He saved them but the killer got away through the convenient hole where a window used to be.  Arrow took off after looking at Tommy, and receiving a jealous, loser stare in return. Tommy set aside his massive issues long enough to suggest he and Laurel stay with the Queens, because they’d be safest there. He was not pleased at Laurel’s goofy little smile when she said that the Vigilante would never let anything happen to her and her dad agreed.

At the Queen house, Oliver was about to leave to go meet Dig, when Tommy stopped him by aggressively gripping his arm. Um. I am really just waiting for the moment when Oliver loses his shit and his patience and just Krav Maga’s Tommy’s dumb ass all over the room. Tommy insists that Oliver stay to protect Laurel, but Oliver tells him to stop being a pussy and shut up. No he didn’t. But he should have. He just promises Laurel will be safe.

He heads off to meet with Dig, when Felicity stops him and tells him that Rasmussen is making an escape out of the country. She tells him if he wants to stop him, it’s his only chance. He decides to go after Rasmussen, and I am so upset, because I know Dig is waiting for him. I just know this is going to cause some serious tension between them.

Dig is at the planned spot, waiting for Deadshot to appear. The agents are all incredibly obvious and terrible at their jobs. If I was a civilian walking through the airport, I would have looked at them and been like, “Oh shit, something’s about to go down!” Like, it was SO obvious.

Meanwhile, Oliver shows up all Vigilante style and arrows Rasmussen to the truck and traps him there. Easy job. Something tells me it won’t go down the same for Dig.

And sure enough, freaking Deadshot is awesome and doesn’t fuck around. He totally knew it was a trap, and one by one, sniped the crap out of those agents. Dig spotted the laser beam from the rifle, and saved his friend before she was killed, but everyone was super murdered. Dig ran up to wear Deadshot was, and they had a short and sweet fight, where Dig completely lost. Deadshot told him the only reason he hadn’t killed him yet was because no one had paid him. Then he revealed that he knew who Dig was, and had left a nice spot for his name, right next to his brother’s. He pulled the neckline of his shirt down to reveal one of the tattoos he has on of his kills, and Dig sees his brother’s name. Ouch. Deadshot pistol whips him, and leaves. Double ouch.

Oliver arrives home, and Diggle is there being patched up by Felicity. Dig goes off on him and tells him that he needed him and he didn’t come through. He blamed the deaths of those four agents on Oliver, and said that he chose Laurel over him, like he always will. Oliver was apologetic and I felt bad for both of them. Except maybe, that Dig sounded kinda gay when he said Ollie chose Laurel over him. But if ever there was a man to turn gay for, it’s my Olliepop! Dig’s accusation about Oliver always choosing Laurel makes Oliver island flashback.

Of course, that meant seeing my baby when he looked like Fred from Scooby Doo, but that’s ok. He’s slowly hotting up.

In the flashbacks, Shado is training FredOllie to use a bow and arrow to help her and Slade with a mission to escape. Slade is doubtful, but Shado seems confident. She also clearly wants island jungle sex with him. Again, no questions here. Totes understandable! They practice, and sure enough, she’s all over him unnecessarily. He really sucks with aim, but the arrow does go pretty far. She tries to help him, but uses the moment to shove her tongue in his mouth. He’s cool with it for a moment, but stops. He tells her there’s somebody back at home. She asks him if the woman he stopped for knows how much he loves her. He tells her no, but as soon as he gets home she will.

Anyway, Felicity huffed and hinted that she wasn’t too pleased with Oliver’s choice. Um, you gave him the choice you dumb bitch. And made it clear which one he had to make by pointing out that this was the only chance he’d ever have to stop Rasmussen. Sigh. I’m sorry. She’s not a dumb bitch. I actually like her a lot and hope her and Oliver hook up. But I’m defensive over my TV lover.

Anyway, Thea shows up to bail Roy out. Before they leave, Quentin drags them into the morgue. He tells Roy that if he’s so determined to find the Vigilante, he might want to remember that he’s a murderer who has killed 26 people. Then he opens a drawer and shows a dead guy. He picked up the arrow used to kill him and sticks it into the wound in the body. Fucking gross, creepy ass cop. Roy insists that the Vigilante had saved him. Thea and Roy leave, and she asks him why he’s so obsessed with the Hood. He tells her that ever since the Hood saved him, his life had changed. He just felt like their lives were meant to connect somehow. So. Yet another man turning gay for Ollie. No questions here! I love it! He’s so damn hot, it’s totes understandable. Thea didn’t get it, but knew it was important to Roy, so told him they would find him together. Actually she said she could tell it meant the world to him, and he meant the world to her. Um, bitch please. Calm down. You’ve been dating a total of like, a month. Good Lord. But he looked surprised and pleased. Shrug. They’re a cute couple.

After the confrontation with Dig, Oliver trudges back to his place, all sad and tense. He sees Laurel in the hall, and she’s sad for Max. Ollie comforts her and gives her a hug. He stays respectful and after a brief embrace pulls his arms back and just holds her shoulders. But she snuggles in and gets comfy for the duration. Tommy is watching them from around the corner like a creepster.

Just then, the assassin comes in and kills the bodyguards with a gun with a silencer. He takes out the lights, and Oliver ushers Laurel and Tommy into the room with Max. He plays it off as faulty breakers and closes the door behind him. Then he sexily kicks the doorknob off the door and traps them inside. He moves silently and sexily down the hall towards the front of the house. Meanwhile, the assassin is creepy and admiring the house verbally. Totally talking to no one at all, and murdering bodyguards idly, like no big deal. Oliver flies out of the darkness like a fucking bat out of the sexiest hell ever, and starts kicking this guys ass. He’s freaking Krav Magaing all over his creepy ass, and it is so fucking bad ass. And SEXY! Did I mention he looks really hot kicking ass? Because he totally does.

In the room, they hear the gun go off and shit crashing and Laurel tries to run out but Tommy stops her. When she cries that Ollie is still out there, Tommy’s face looks so jealous. Now’s not the time, bro.

Anyway, the assassin is like, what the hell happened to you on that island, because you are whooping my ass?! And Oliver is all sexy and throaty and is like, you’re about to find out. All intense and yummy. And then continues to kick his ass. At one point, it looks like the killer has the upper hand, until Oliver grabs a poker and stabs him right in the freaking heart, with the funniest expression. Like, “Goddamnit. Now I have to explain this shit to the cops. Soooo annoying. Sigh.” I died laughing. I also really think he’s hot. God.

He explains the kill by giving the credit to one of the dead bodyguards, claiming that he saved Oliver just before he died. Nice save, bud.

Laurel gets all dreamy about the Vigilante again, and Tommy’s face tightens. When they are alone, he confronts Oliver. He tells him that he can see it on his face, he knows Oliver still loves Laurel. Oliver can’t deny it, but swears he will never get in Tommy and Laurel’s way.  He vows that because of what he does and how he lives his life, he can never be with Laurel, and she will NEVER know he’s the Vigilante. And Tommy insists that if she knew he was the Vigilante she would choose Oliver over him. And he can’t be with her knowing what her choice would be.

That night, Max leaves with his grandparents, and Laurel is teary and emotional. She turns around to talk to Tommy, and I swear that she’s about to tell him that she’s preggers. I don’t know why, but I just think that she is. But she sees Tommy is carrying his bags and stops. He tells her that things are moving too quickly and he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. She tries to understand and stop him from leaving her, but he insists that he thought he wanted her, but turns out she’s not what he wants. She tells him that he’s changed and she knows he’s lying. He looks her in her eyes and tells her that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore, and he hasn’t changed as much as she thinks he has. But um, come on now. He’s totally obviously fighting back tears. So unconvincing. But she lets him leave, and he’s like 2 seconds from weeping as he walks out the door. I still think she’s pregnant-o’clock, but only time will tell.

Back in the Hero Cave, Oliver walks in and finds Dig waiting for him. Dig tells him he doesn’t trust Oliver anymore and he’s done. He quits, and when Oliver apologizes and tries to get him to stay, he tells Oliver the only way he can be stopped is with an arrow. Damn.

Dig walking away and a newly arrived Felicity asked a quiet Oliver what happened. But he’s lost in island flashbacks of other people he thought he could count on.

After their fail at training, Oliver and Shado return to base, no progress having been made. Suddenly, Yao Fei shows up. Shado runs to hug her dad, but he doesn’t return it. I know something’s up, but no one else reacts. I am literally screaming at the TV for them to get the fuck out of dodge, but nope. Sure enough, soldiers storm in, and surround them. He totally trapped them. That’s fucked up. So it looks like someone who Oliver counted on betrayed him the way Dig accused Oliver of doing to him.

I can’t wait to see more, and to see if my Laurel pregnancy prediction is right! I’m trying to post more, but honestly, I probably won’t. I’m swamped with school, work, and the single mommy life. But I will try harder, promise! Til then, just read my stuff over and over again. You know you want to! :D

****BTDubs, for all my PC peeps, clearly I understand that you can’t “turn gay” for someone. I’m snarky and not at all literal. So chill. J ******

Hart of Dixie: Sadness. Nothing But Sadness.

I cannot. There are not words to describe how much I cannot. This episode was hart-breaking for me…get it? Hart? Tee hee. Anyway, because of how much I hated this episode, I will be giving a super brief recap.

Basically, the entire town turned against Wade, who seemed to acknowledge his guilt, and be heart-broken himself. On the flip side, the town was pro Zoe, and determined to cheer her up by bringing her pie, Wade voodoo dolls, and offers of violence upon Wade’s person and sex. The offer of sex came from the hot new doctor in town, Jonah. On principal, I would have said yes. But as hot as I think he is, he’s not Wade. Wade and Zoe are end game for me. Violence was from George. To who I say, shut up and sit down. And stay away from Zoe! You had your chance! Besides, I like him with Tansie.

Anyway, Zoe tried getting drunk, hating Wade, and finally allowing herself to grieve in order to get over him. Jonah hit on her quite a few times, but she turned him down. Meanwhile, Wade was beaten emotionally from beginning to end, and humiliated a few times.

Brick and Shelby moved in together, and Lemon tried her best to break them up.

Overall, it was an episode of miserable people making other people miserable, and I am totally over this show right now. But this is my second heart speaking, so I’m sure once my normal, sane side is back in charge I will watch again.

But til I see something I like, FOR EXAMPLE NO MORE WADE BASHING, then I will be posting these really crappy recaps. I mean, I’m probably only hurting myself, but whatever. This is all I can muster for HoD right now. :(

Arrow: Epic Fight Scenes, Assassination Attempts, Treacherous Mothers, and An Identity Revealed

Tonight’s episode of Arrow promises to be epic, so I’m blogging as I watch. So far, the Chinese Triad assassin, China White, has hired some badass assassin from overseas to kill Malcolm, but Arrow heard about his arrival into the States and met him on the helipad. They fought and because the Hood wins at living, he kills the guy.

At the Hero Cave, Felicity and Dig train together because Dig worries about her being able to protect herself in a crappy city like Starling. I hope she becomes a monster, and helps Arrow clean up the city. And fall in love and get married and have babies forever…

Moving on! Oliver gets back and doesn’t know who the target was, so he asks Felicity to help him figure it out.

We also saw China White meet with Dead Shot to hire him to kill Malcolm Merlin. He’s alive, people! He refuses the job because ever since Arrow, well, arrowed his eyeball, his vision sucks balls. She gives him some doohickey to make his dead eye have perfect vision. That’s all it takes for this freaking psycho to jump right back into the killer game.

Anyway, in the meantime, Oliver has a date with McKenna. When he sees her, they make out for a bit (lucky lady!) and then knock on the door. It turns out it is Tommy’s birthday, and they are double-dating with him and Laurel. Awkward. And boring. Tommy and Laurel are the least interesting couple ever. Please break them up immediately. If I can’t have my Zoe and Wade, I shouldn’t have to deal with this mess. Ok, sorry. Still suffering Hart of Dixie angst, and let it spill over. Back on track, they are talking and it isn’t super awkward, until Tommy’s dad comes and knocks on the door. He asks Tommy to come to an event being held in his honor, but is turned down flat and cruelly by Tommy. I enjoy it, since I know how scummy Malcolm is. And I actually like Tommy, just not with Laurel. Come to think of it, I like her too. She’s pretty feisty and kind of kickass but their coupledom bores me to tears.

Elsewhere, Moira meets with Malcolm and others, and is super fake and treacherous. She acts like she is super supportive of all his shadiness. Playing him like a fool. Gutsy broad.

That night, Oliver gets the info from Felicity that the assassin he killed was hired by the Chinese Triad, who operates out of a Chinese restaurant. Oliver makes reservations for dinner. He meets Tommy there, and they talk about their fathers. Nice way to mix business and pleasure! Oliver encourages Tommy to try to have a relationship with Malcolm, because you never know how long you have, and he is his father, after all. Tommy explains that Malcolm has never been there for him. In fact, it was Oliver’s father that took him to his first soccer game and their first R-rated movie. Oliver admits that his dad was wonderful, but not close to perfect. He also admits to having a lot of bitterness and anger towards his dad. As they talk, someone who is clearly a triad thug walks by. Ollie pretends to need to hit the head, and follows him into the kitchen. He plunges the place into darkness and attacks some random. He demands info about the hit, and the only thing he finds out is it is scheduled for the next day. Oliver spoke in perfect Chinese, so when the triad thug asks the random who attacked him, he tells him it was definitely someone Chinese. Hilarious, because the guy stomps out of the kitchen looking for the assailant and Oliver is sitting pretty as you please at the table with Tommy. Ha! He’s such a freaking boss!

Anyway! It’s the night of the hit and Moira gets ready for the night, and looks pretty and smug; knowing tonight’s the night that Malcolm will get his has made her a little too confident. After staring at a picture of him and his parents, Tommy also gets ready for the party, but tells Laurel he will go alone. When he leaves, she gets a call from her mom, who abandoned them after Sarah died. Obvsies, Laurel ignores the call. Gotta wonder why she’s reaching out all of a sudden.

At the party, Moira is circulating like nothing is going down. Cold-hearted. Malcolm hits on her and asks her to dinner, which she agrees to. Oh Lord, don’t get too smug, you idiot. Frank (the guy who got her the info for the triad) asks her how she can act like nothing is wrong, but she says since it’s almost over its no bid deal. She’s probably going to die tonight.

Oliver and McKenna are having a cute picnic at the club and talk about how they have a lot going on in their lives that could be difficult to fit everything in. They don’t finish their talk because Felicity finds out who the hit is on. Dig rushes to tell Oliver he has a work emergency, which is code for “Holy shit, they’re gonna kill Tommy’s dad!”

Oliver leaves and heads to the party. There, Dead Shot is setting up with his sniper from across the street. Inside the party Tommy’s dad goes to accept his award and gives a touching speech about his wife’s humanitarian efforts and it’s obvious that Tommy is moved. At that point, Moira spots Tommy and it hits her that she is putting him in danger and that she is taking his father away. Welp!

After the speech, China White hits the lights, and shuts the place down. Hidden Triad members quickly take out Malcolm’s entire security team.  Malcolm’s first thought is for Tommy, which I have to admit shocked me a little. Dead Shot can’t get the shot because Malcolm doesn’t take the bait and run out with everyone else. Instead, Malcolm grabs Tommy and heads up to his suite. Just then, Dead Shot tells China White to lure Malcolm to his penthouse and he’ll take the shot there. So…kind of kismet, I guess.

Tommy and Malcolm head upstairs and run into a couple of gunmen. They freeze when suddenly Malcolm goes into badass mode and takes them both out, and then doesn’t hesitate to kill one of them. Tommy is freaked out, but his dad is like move bitch. They run into more two more gunmen and The Hood shows up and saves them. He provides cover when Tommy and his dad are pinned to the wall. The Hood tells them to run, and all Malcolm does is stare at him with “I wanna kill you so bad” eyes.

They escape to Malcolm’s penthouse while The Hood faces off with China White. It’s a pretty badass fight, but Oliver is whooping her ass. He has her at arrow point when freaking bad timing McKenna shows up and demands he drop his bow and arrows. He instead shoots the fire extinguisher near her, causing the hall to fill with fog. China White escapes, and the Hood takes off to make sure Malcolm and Tommy are ok. McKenna is either very stupid, or gets hella lost in the fog because it looks like a pretty straight shot to the penthouse, but she never shows up.

Upstairs, Tommy asks his dad how he learned how to fight like that, how to kill like that. His dad opens his panic room where his Evil Arrow costume is. I’m not sure if Tommy gets the chance to see it because Dead Shot takes a shot at Tommy’s dad. Even though it is bulletproof glass, it shatters the window in an explosion that knocks Tommy down and Malcolm into the switch the closes the panic room door. Malcolm jumps up to check on Tommy when he’s shot three times in the chest.

Tommy freaks out, but there’s no blood so I’m like, oh he’s fine, must be wearing a bulletproof vest. When he opens his eyes I feel pretty smart, especially when Tommy opens his shirt and sees the vest. But then there is blood, and Malcolm passes out again. The Hood shows up and Tommy pulls his dad’s gun on him. The Hood picks up one of the bullet casings and realizes that it is laced with poison, which tells him its Dead Shot. He tries to convince Tommy to let him help Malcolm, but Tommy is distrustful. The Hood explains that the bullet was laced with poison, and that in three minutes Malcolm will be paralyzed and in 5 he will be dead. He needs a blood transfusion, and Tommy has to do it. Tommy doesn’t know what to do and asks the Hood why he should trust him. Desperate to help his best friend and his father, Oliver takes a calculated risk, and reveals his identity, by saying that Tommy has always trusted him. Tommy is shocked, but lets Oliver help him. Ollie jury rigs a blood transfusion and disappears before the cops can show up.

When the cops finally show up, Tommy keeps quiet about knowing who the Hood is. I wouldn’t tell those incompetents either.

Tommy goes to the hospital with his dad, and talks to him. They share a moment, and then Moira shows up to be fake worried. Malcolm tells her they have a traitor in their midst and he wants her to find out who it is, because they just made their last mistake. She’s like ummm. IDK, but I wouldn’t doubt it if her treacherous ass served Frank up with a bow. Tsk tsk.

Oliver goes to break the news to Dig that the bullet in the hit was laced with the drug that Dead Shot uses. Which means he’s alive. Dig is hit hard, and walks away. When Felicity asks if this Dead Shot kicked his dog or something, Oliver tells her no. He killed his brother. Oh Snap! I totally forgot about that! Damn.

Next we see my Olliepop show up at the hospital and run into McKenna. They apologize to each other for the night being interrupted, and start to say their lives are too crazy to date, but McKenna tells Oliver she is willing to try and make it work if he is. He agrees. Tommy walks up, and McKenna leaves them alone. Oliver tells him he’s so sorry, and Tommy tells him he saved his father’s life. He also asks him if he saw Oliver kill those guys when they were kidnapped when Oliver first came back. Oliver nods. Although Tommy has lots of questions, the only one he cares about at the moment is if Oliver ever planned to tell him the truth. When Oliver tells him he didn’t, Tommy walks away.

At her apartment, Laurel is calling Tommy because she just heard about his dad. She’s on her way to see him when she opens the door and her mother is standing there. She is cold and dismissive, but her mother tells her she has something important to tell her. She thinks Sarah is still alive.

Da-da-dum!

Throughout the episode, there were flashbacks to FredOllie and Slade. FredOllie was training and the poor thing couldn’t even do 4 pull ups. Slade was embarrassed for him, and then showed off his mad skills. My only consolation is the multitude of sexy, beast mode workouts we’ve been treated to all season. Please Lord; let them continue in every season going forward. Anyway, Slade is kind of Mopey Moe and thinks they’ve lost their only chance to escape. FredOllie is being optimistic. He used to fix plane engines with his dad and he was good at it, so he’s confident he can repair the wrecked plane’s radio. He eventually does, but it can’t call out, so it’s useless. That is, until Slade figures out how to get on Fyer’s channel, and eavesdrop on them. They overhear about some monster codename or something crazy. Slade wants to see the monster, so they sneak over to the drop point and spy. Sure enough, Slade sees the monster. It’s some insane war tank missile launchy thing. I don’t really know, but apparently it can start a war and kill lots of people at once. Soooo. Yeah, it’s no good.

(BTW, for my newbies, FredOllie is my nickname for flashback Oliver, since he looks unfortunately like Fred from ScoobyDoo with that haircut.)

Can’t wait to see the next episode. In THREE WEEKS!!! WAAAAH!!! NOOOO!!!

Ok. I’m done. Byeeee!

New Girl: Haunted By a Kiss, A Proposal, And The Toilet From Hell

Jess can’t stop thinking about her kiss with Nick, who continues to play it off as if it meant nothing to him. Schmidt and Nick are having a huge party to celebrate their living together for 10 years, or their Tinfinity because S and N (their initials) make up tin…or some crap like that. IDK.

Winston gets the chance to interview and then hang out with a super amazing football player, played by Steve Howey. He’s pretty effing hot.

In order to forget about Nick’s mouth on her mouth, Jess decides to find another man to put his mouth all over her mouth and erase the memory of Nick’s mouth on her mouth. Follow that?

Cece and her arranged marriage guy discuss getting married, but he is like, so are gonna do this thing or what? She’s like, how about you not say that again. It’s kind of funny, and douchey. It’s also nauseating, because everyone knows Schmidt and Cece belong together. MTB people!

Jess goes to Nick’s bar and starts flirting with guys. One guy is like, “I haven’t washed my jeans in 18 months and I’m bisexual.” Next guy has Edward Cullen hair but talks so hilariously. “Microchips are getting’ smalla. They be like the size of blueberries. You can put them in yo’ coffee, girl.” He kind of sounds like the white Cleveland. I laughed forever. Then Jess killed me when she asked what was wrong with the guys in this bar all of a sudden. “Did they open a bus station next door?”. Oh my God, I laugh screamed. It was the funniest to me. Suddenly, in comes Winston with his sexy football player friend, and Jess is immediately intrigued. Winston tries to stop her but she moves in, and the guy is totally into her.

Nick and Schmidt discuss their party planning duties, and Nick is in charge of balloons. When he complains about getting a baby job, Schmidt also puts him in charge of Port a’ Potties. Of course, Nick forgets that his job was also balloons.

Winston tells Jess to leave Jax (the football player) alone because she’s going to ruin his chance of being friends with him. When he tells her she has no chance with Jax because she knows nothing about sports like he does, she smirks.

“Oh, you’re right. I guess I’ll just use my hair and eyes and breasts and legs and adorable personality. Fool.” I laughed so hard here because I love that Jess isn’t being a pushover. And she’s clearly winning. Jax plays tag football with her and helps her win and gets mad at Winston for interfering.

Meanwhile, Nick held up his end of the bargain. He got a Port a’ Potty. Which ended up being used, filthy, and the probable scene of at least six murders. Schmidt is flabbergasted, but then tells Nick he’s proud of him for doing his job. He points out that now people can pick which bathroom to go to, because he also got one, but it looks like a freaking movie trailer.

Nick stands in front of his bathroom and tries to bully people into using it, but no one wants to get into that devil’s gate.

Jax and Jess are still flirting and tossing the football between the two of them. Jax confesses that he likes Jess a lot, and she admits she likes him too. But he’s like “A lot? Because I said a lot.” She tells him yes, because she likes a man who shares his feelings. Suddenly, he is fighting tears and she’s like wth, and then he tries to man up and says he likes beers and football too, because he’s a man. Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!

Jess heads over and sees Nick, and asks him about his crappy Port a Potty. She offers to use it, and he asks her to act like she’s really excited about it so all the girls will want to use it. She agrees, and is all “Oh! Just my style! Very vintage and great and-“ opens door and looks inside- “Oh, this is horrible!”

After Schmidt writes a speech for Nick to read to Schmidt that is full of reasons why Nick should be grateful for their friendship, Nick and Schmidt argue because Nick remembers in college when they used to be equals. But now Schmidt treats Nick like some idiot he has to take care of. We’re treated to a hilarious flashback with college Nick and Fat Schmidt asking each other if they scored with girls the night before. Nope! We’re equals!

Nick doesn’t even know what they’re celebrating and storms off, with Schmidt shouting out reasons from his speech notes.

Meanwhile, Jess finds Jax, and he apologizes for weirding her out. He admits he just got out of a relationship that crushed him, and he just really likes her and feels like they’ve known each other for a really long time. She tells him she feels like she wants to French him. He leans down to give her what looks like the sexiest kiss (though not nearly as hot as the epic kiss Nick and Jess shared a few episodes ago). Their kiss is interrupted when Cece’s boyfriend gets on stage and proposes to her. It’s made very romantic by mistake, as the DJs and lighting team use the music, lighting, and confetti that Schmidt planned for his and Nick’s speeches. Cece accepts the proposal, and poor Schmidt is destroyed. I get Cece’s motivation, but it just seems so stupid to me to not be with Schmidt. He is clearly in love with her, she knows it, and loves him too. So why is she doing this arranged marriage crap? It pisses me off too, because it’s so careless and inconsiderate to do something like this at Schmidt’s party, of all places. Uncool.

Schmidt walks away, and Nick follows him to offer comfort. They end up at a hot air balloon, which was Nick’s idea of getting balloons. Only problem was he didn’t think to get propane, so it was just a basket with a deflated balloon lying on the ground. Amazingness. They talked and realized that their friendship is what they were celebrating. Schmidt admits that he is sad because he really thought he would be the person that got to bone Cece forever. Touching. LOL

Meanwhile, Jax takes advantage of the romantic moment and jumps on stage to say that a heart thief stole his heart tonight. He points to Jess, who is freaking out, and is like “It wasn’t me. I was framed.” He then says he thinks he met his future wife, and he wants to marry her and put a baby in her and love her forever. She runs away, saying they are not on the same page. She hides in the caterer’s tent, and Cece finds her. Cece insists that she’s happy so Jess is happy for her. She admits she’s hiding from Jax, and Cece can see why. There’s a quick cut to Jax, sobbing hysterically into a super uncomfortable Winston’s chest. As we cut back to Jess and Cece talking, we can hear Jax’ cries turn into shrieks and wails. I died laughing listening to that.

The episode ends with the roommates in the hot air balloon basket, talking and drinking from a liquor bottle. Nick drinks last and offers it to Jess, but she refuses to drink after he’s put his mouth all over it. She randomly climbs out and runs away aimlessly, just to get away from Nick. God, I hope they address this with them, because honestly? I need Ness to happen. I ship them so hard.

Fingers crossed til next episode!

 

 

Arrow: Arrow Gets a Guh-Fend, and Moira Makes a Bold, If Idiotic, Move

On this episode, an elusive thief known as “The Dodger” for his ability to avoid getting his hands dirty is in Starling City. He basically puts some kind of explosive collar around his victims’ throats, and forces them to commit his crimes. If they don’t, their collars will explode. Once they commit the crimes he’s forces them to, he uses a shock stick to incapacitate them, take the stolen goods, and disappear.

In the Hero Cave, Oliver is half-naked, working out. He’s a sexy beast, and Felicity is staring at him in absolute lust, because who wouldn’t? When he’s done working out, Oliver says who he’s going after next, and Felicity argues with him because he’s a single father with three children. Oliver doesn’t care, because having a family doesn’t make you innocent. Besides, he is only going to give him a warning. When he tries to leave, this chick has the audacity to override his system and lock him in. When he comes over all pissed off like, she tells him about the Dodger. He argues that he needs to handle the other guy and she’s like, “I made a mistake.” And he’s like damn right you did. She quickly corrects his assumption because the mistake was partnering with him, not locking him in. She tells him she’s out of their deal.

Meanwhile, Laurel and Thea are taking a walk and talking about the honor and good that being a pro bono lawyer is and does. As they’re walking, some kid runs by and snatches Thea’s purse. They chase after him, and he gets cornered in an alley. He’s pretty hot for a criminal. He suddenly ninjas his way over the chainlink fence and runs off. Laurel spots a chain that tore off his pants. Thea takes it to use as a way of finding out who their mugger was.

Elsewhere, Moira meets with a friend who is part of the “Undertaking” and tells him she wants out. He’s reluctant to help her, but finally agrees. He gives her a number for a contact, and also promises to try and find out whatever he can about Walter’s whereabouts.

The next day, Oliver and Dig go to Felicity, and Oliver apologizes. He tells her they need her on their team. She asks him about the father of three and he tells her he made things right after he was warned by the Vigilante. He also tells her they could use her help finding the Dodger. She agrees and they all meet at the diner. Felicity notices the sparks between Dig and his sister-in-law, and when Oliver joins in on the match-making, Dig points out that he like his cop friend. Felicity thinks they should each ask out their crushes. In Oliver’s case, he can plant a bug to find out what she knows about the Dodger case. They agree. Dig goes immediately to ask Carly out and is shocked when she immediately says yes. Oliver goes and asks his crush out too, but he’s incredibly awkward, which is the most adorable ever. He also hides a bug on her phone. Because nothing says romance like I’m eavesdropping on all your conversations.

Their date doesn’t go so hot, because she’s super nosy and basically interrogated him about his time on the island. When he snapped that he didn’t want to talk about it, she got all huffy. Um, how about you not treat him like a perp, and he won’t be rude. Idiot.

Dig’s date wasn’t too great either, but that was mostly because he is an idiot. He totally brought up his dead brother, which made his date super awkward and uncomfortable. Way to go, bro.

Thea was able to track down the thug and he was arrested. But he told the cops a really sad story about his mom getting hooked on Vertigo, and him stealing to support their family. Thea felt bad for him and dropped the charges. She went to see him, and he was really douchey. He also told her not to believe every sob story some kid tells the cops. Wow, what a creep. But he’s hot so they will probably date. Get it!

The Dodger took his ill gotten gains to meet a fence and was double crossed. But he expected it and ninja shock sticked them, and killed the fence for trying to pull a fast one.

Oliver found out about the crime, and with the bug planted on his bitchy cop friend’s phone, he found a fence that he knew the Dodger would use next. He obviously ruined the guys plan, and the cops showed up.

In order to trap the Dodger, Felicity found a pattern in the types of items he stole, and Oliver arranged to have one on display. Sure enough, the guy showed up and rather cheekily just strode up and grabbed it himself. In a truly idiotic move for a genius, Felicity saw him and confronted him. “That doesn’t belong to you sir.” “It does now. Have this explosive choker.” Yeah. She got neck-bombed. She hurried to Oliver and Dig. Oliver hurried after him to get the controls, while Dig proved to be completely useless in the most hysterical way. He opened the panel on her choker and grabbed a safety pin like he was going to disarm it. Next time we cut back to him and Felicity, the panel was closed and he was just keeping her company. Way to act like you were going to do something and then not. LMAO.

Oliver, of course, saved the day. After a sexy chase scene with Oliver stealing a motorcycle and chasing down the dude’s sedan or something, he caught up with him. The guy tried to threaten to detonate the bomb necklace, but Oliver threw a baby dagger and severed his muscle or something so he couldn’t move his finger no matter what. Then he took the thingy and deactivated it. The Dodger said they were the same, only going after the rich, and Oliver was like, I’m not Robin Hood. And when Dodger tried to electric stick him, he totally blocked it and backfired it all over his ass. Ha!

By the end, Dig made things right with Carly and they kiss. Oliver does the same with his cop chick, and immediately afterwards she gets assigned to help Quentin take down the Hood. AWESOME.

Moira’s friend comes through and gives her the information she asked for, but warns her they will probably both die for it. She makes a call and arranges a meet with the contact. It turns out to be the freaking ninja assassin chick from the beginning of the season. The blonde or white haired chick that worked for the Chinese Triad? Yup. Moira’s brilliant plan? To have them kill Malcolm Merlin. Yeah. Wonderful plan.

As my brother said, “This bitch really knows how to take things from bad to worse. She asked the Chinese Triad murder bitch to go kill the ‘Better-than-Arrow’ guy.” Yep. Sounds like a brilliant plan. No it doesn’t. Sounds like this idiot is going to get her and everyone she’s ever known killed. Way to think ahead.

All said, this makes for an awesome next episode, and I can’t wait!

Oh yeah. Flashbacks. Um, Slade’s wound was infected because FredOllie used a dirty knife to dig out the bullet. FredOllie went back to cave to get the herbs Yao Fei used on him, and found some guy tied up in there. He claimed to be a crash survivor who was captured and tortured by men in masks. He begged FredOllie for help, but by the end, he didn’t help him because he didn’t know him and couldn’t trust him. Might seem cruel, but I totally agreed with the decision. FredOllie left the guy there and got the herbs back to Slade. The end.

Hart of Dixie: They’ve Killed My Heart & I Shall Never Recover!

After just a few weeks of perfect, beautiful, adorableness that is Zoe and Wade, the writers over at Hart of Dixie have decided to stab a dagger through my heart. Never have I loved a couple on a CW show the way I love Zade. I am lying. There were a lot of great couples that I shipped. For example, I love Stefan and Elena on TVD. And Dean with anyone on Supernatural. And I loved Lorelai and Luke on Gilmore Girls with the passion of Christ (slightly blasphemous, but fairly accurate). Not the point, people! I freaking loved Wade Kinsella and his adorable love for Zoe. And I was so happy when she finally came to her senses and started dating Wade. The following episodes were blissfully amazing, because they were just too damn cute as a couple. He so obviously adored her, and she was so clearly falling for him. So why, why did they ruin it?

Let me let you in on a little secret. I have two hearts. That’s right, TWO HEARTS! One is my literal heart- you know, the one that beats and keeps me alive, and feels genuine love for people that, well, actually exist. But then there is my other heart. That heart falls in love with characters in TV shows, books, and video games. It’s the one that believes in perfect love, and fairy tales, and romance novel style men. It’s completely ridiculous, and necessary for me. And tonight, my second heart was broken. Shattered. Devastated beyond belief. Stupid Hart of Dixie writers. I am so distraught that I cannot even provide a decent recap for you. So here is my half-ass recap, because that is all my second heart can handle.

Last week’s episode had Wade determined to win the Battle of the Bands so that he could take the $20,000 prize money to open his bar. Zoe was actually super supportive, although a few things she said shook his confidence. But that was all it took. All of a sudden, Wade became this nervous, insecure wreck that was so outside of his character, that it was ludicrous. Zoe was amazing, and gave him a neon sign for his bar that said “Wade’s Place”. Wade looked moved to tears, but it only served to make him more vulnerable and insecure. This all lead up to Wade performing and losing at Battle of the Bands, getting super wasted, and telling George that he was just trying to get back to who he really was. With those words he went and found some trashy slore and left the bar with her. Zoe arrived a few minutes later after dealing with a medical emergency, and felt super guilty and bad for not being there for Wade when he needed her. George and Tansie felt horrible because they saw Wade leave with that chick, but didn’t say anything. Fury!

Also in this episode, Tom planned a romantic proposal for Wanda, but after hearing her say it would ruin everything, canceled his plans. But don’t worry, the super adorable and nerdy couple did get engaged. See, Wanda planned an elaborate proposal with the whole damn town dressed as zombies and singing Tom’s favorite song, complete with Wanda coming out of a casket dressed as a zombie bride. It was totally them, and totally romantic. And bonus! They both had lovely voices.

Lemon and her boring boyfriend broke up (wait 2 seconds while I recover…ok! All good!) and she still wasn’t talking to Annabeth. Can’t blame her. Lavon told Annabeth that he wasn’t giving up on romance, and would wait for her.

 

This week’s episode has Zoe super worried about Wade because he hasn’t come home or answered any of her calls. Tansie and George avoid telling her, but she ends up overhearing some of the women in town saying that Wade left the bar with a slutty ho. She confronted him, but he denied it, saying that he was just sad and drunk and gave her car a jump. I am an idiot, because I so desperately wanted to believe him, and so for a little while I did. But George confronted Wade too, and although Wade fed him the same story he did to Zoe, this time I saw right through it. My heart broke a little. George believed him, just like Zoe, and left. But Wade’s face was heartbreaking. He looked guilty, ashamed, sad, and scared. They may have destroyed Wade’s character in these last two episodes, but Wilson Bethel did an amazing job making you feel for him.

Ugh, I can’t relive this episode. Long story short, Zoe realized that Wade was lying to her. Wade realized he needed to tell her the truth. She was Wanda’s Maid of Honor while Wade was Tom’s Best Man. During the vows, the pain and hurt in both Wade and Zoe’s eyes as they looked at each other and then away, was heartbreaking. After the wedding, they went to sit on a bench and talk. Wilson Bethel broke my heart completely as Wade explained to Zoe that he had been in a dark, sad place. That he was drunk, that it didn’t mean anything to him. Zoe’s silence as she cried obviously tore Wade apart as he begged her to say anything. When she asked him what he wanted her to say, he said, “I want you to say you forgive me. Baby, I would do anything-“ But it was too late. Zoe told him that he knew that cheating was the one thing she couldn’t forgive. With that, she walked away. She couldn’t hide her heartbreak, and Wade looked devastated. George was pissed that Wade hurt Zoe, but before he could destroy him, Tansie beat him to it, and punched Wade in the stomach. Even Lavon looked disappointed in Wade. He tried to cheer Zoe up with dancing, but her smile never reached her eyes. I hated this episode with every fiber of my being. They built up this amazing relationship little by little. Their friendship turning to casual sex, and then becoming so much more was beautiful. They were clearly falling in love, if not already in love. Now, I can’t see a way for them to find their way back to each other. And clearly, the writers are not even interested in trying, since next week’s episode has Zoe making out with Lemon’s hot cousin. Grand.

Other stuff happened in this episode, like Lemon and Annabeth starting to find their way back to friendship, but honestly, I don’t care. I mean, this was the worst written recap ever, but I can’t help it. I would like to say that I am quitting this show, but I know I will be back to write about HoD’s next episode, ever hopeful for my beloved Zade. But for now my heart is weary. My second heart, obviously. My other heart is cool. J

The Walking Dead: A Visit From an Old, Stupid Friend, and Not Enough Walker Kills

The episode starts with everyone freaking out and arguing about what to do. Hershel, and Merle think it’s time to get the hell out of dodge. But no one gives a flying fuck what Merle wants, which is why his loopy ass is locked in a cell. Rick, Glen, and Daryl aren’t ready to leave their home. Rick proclaims they’re staying put and starts to walk away, but Hershel gets real loud in the mouth, and hollers at Rick to bring his ass back there. He tells him that he understands he’s fucked in the head, and they all understand why. But truth is, shit’s getting crazy and they don’t need their Looney Toon ass leader to add his own brand of crazy to the mix. Rick walks away, and goes out to check the fields. As he’s looking through the binoculars, he sees a flutter of white and thinks he sees Lori. He looks again, but there’s nothing there. That’s because she’s dead, dope. Carl comes outside and tells his dad that he needs to resign as the leader, because he obviously needs a nap. And therapy.

Over in Woodbury, the Governor is having himself a little strategic pow wow with his nerdy friend, Milton. They’re figuring out how many able-bodied men and women they have in town. The Governor wants children ages 13 and up included in those numbers. Once he gets the numbers, he wants them armed and trained.

Andrea comes in and confronts the Governor about his attack on the prison. He denies it and claims he went there to make peace and her friends shot at them without cause. She insisted on going to see them at the prison, and he told her that if she did, to stay there. Ouch. So, can you wake up now, you blonde idiot?

She goes outside and sees Karen arguing with the soldiers, because they want her asthmatic 14-year-old son to fight. Andrea asked why Rodriguez was talking about fighting when they were supposedly only training for self-defense. Even he is sick of her obliviousness and told her to wake the hell up. It’s war bitch, and they need an army.

Back at the prison, they are still arguing about what to do. They are worried because they are running out of food and water. Glen also points out that with scumbag Merle with them, he creates a liability. Daryl gets upset, and tells him to deal with it, because they’re a package deal. He storms upstairs and Hershel goes to chat with Merle. He tells him about Rick saving all their lives and that Merle needs to act right. How cute. And pointless, but whatevs.

In Woodbury, the Governor talks to his new recruits, and ignores Andrea’s pleas to be reasonable. She notices that they are welding the doors out of Woodbury closed. She goes to Milton and asks him to help her sneak out of town, because the Governor’s obviously nuts. He agrees after some persuasion, but then goes straight to the Governor and snitches. What a pussy. The Governor tells him to go ahead and help her.

Over at the prison, Carol and Daryl share a cute moment together. She tells him that Merle might be his brother, but that he’s no good for him. She points out how far Daryl has come without Merle, and they giggle after looking around at the cell. Goofy little lovebirds.

In the woods, Andrea and Milton capture a walker and chop its arms off and breaks off its jaw so she can have a walker on a stick like Michonne used to. While they’re doing that, those damn randoms from the prison show up. Milton offers to take them to Woodbury. That’s no good. Rick’s mental break tantrum will definitely come back to bite them in the ass. Andrea goes on to the prison, and the randoms leave with Milton. Sigh.

Andrea makes her way to the prison, and doesn’t exactly get the greeting she was hoping for. They throw her up against the wall and frisk her. They are very distrustful of her and she’s an idiot because she can’t believe they would be. She explains that she didn’t know Glen and Maggie were there or what was done to them until after they attacked Woodbury. When Glen accuses her of taking her sweet time to come find them, she insists she came as soon as possible. She begs them to drop this fight with the Governor, and insists that Woodbury is a nice town, filled with nice people. Michonne watches her from afar, with the ultimate face of disgust.

Andrea talks to Carol and she tells her a little about what happened with Shane, Lori, and T-Dog. She also tells Andrea that she needs to go back to Woodbury, let the Governor put his P in her VaGee, and when he’s swooning from delight, gank his ass. But it’s sooooo been there, done that, right Andy? Little does Carol know, Andrea let the Governor stick a fork in her within 2 days of meeting each other. Before she leaves, Andrea accuses Michonne of poisoning everyone against Woodsbury and Phillip. Michonne is basically like, “Bitch, please. You have been so blinded by the dick that you chose him over your best friend. I went back to expose the truth about him so you could wake the fuck up.” Obviously her plan didn’t work, because Andrea is still planning to go back. She walks away from Michonne only to freeze when Michonne confesses that the Governor sent Merle to kill her. She walks away after dropping that bomb, leaving Andrea crying in the courtyard. Even so, Andrea persists in being a moron, and goes back to Woodbury.

In Woodbury, the randoms are receiving a warm welcome from the Governor. He tells them they can eat and stay the night, and then be on their way the next day. Just stay away from the northeast, because there are some dangerous folk that way. The one whose wife died tells them they already ran into some nutjob at a prison. The Governor’s psycho radar starts beeping, and those bastard randoms offer to help them go up against the prison crew if it means they can earn their place in town. The Governor welcomes them in. Meanwhile, Andrea arrives back at Woodbury and tells the Governor that she went to see her friends at the prison, but she came back for him. He tells her its because she knows she belongs with him. They make out and do the sex. It’s gross, so I thank the TV Gods for avoiding that scene. When the Governor swoons from delight, Andrea gets up and gets an army knife Rick gave her before she left. She stands naked over the Governor, ready to murder him, but stares at his grotesque face and form, and rather than be motivated to kill him horribly, she gets emotional and leaves him alone. She stands at the window and stares outside. Because that’s what useless idiots do. Stare vacantly while psychotic, one-eyed pirates terrorize the world.

Back at the prison, Rick seems to be a little less wackadoo. He’s holding Lil’ Ass Kicker, and everyone else is hovering around a little fire in their cellblock. Hershel’s youngest daughter decided it was high time for a Kumbaya moment and sang a random song that I’ve never heard. She has a pretty voice, but I was still like what’s happening right now. No one joined in, so I’m assuming they too were clueless about her song choice. I also assumed that they were like, poor little idiot, and just smiled and listened as she sang. Rick took this time to completely ignore her and tell Hershel that he was leaving Daryl in charge while he, Michonne, and Carl went on a run.

The End.

Kind of anticlimactic, but that’s ok. I do need to see a lot more walker killing. So hopefully next week’s episode will provide that.

Supernatural: Something About Dogs…and Witchcraft

The episode starts with a hooker walking down the street. A cop arrests her, and then in a cute twist, doesn’t Mirandize her. He just chokes the living shit out of her. And surprise! He chokes her so hard he practically decapitates her, and we get our signature Supernatural blood splatter. On his face. Ick. Wait! Turns out it was just a nightmare. The cop wakes up, and just goes about his coffee making business as if he didn’t just dream about murdering some streetwalker. Ok then. He throws something away, and finds a blood soaked handkerchief in the trash. Ok. So…not a dream then?

We get to see my handsome boobears, and they’re arguing about whom the cooler Stooge was. Dean insists that Sam is lame, because it’s clearly Curly. Sam argues that Curly was too obvious, and that Chimp was the best one. I’m confused, because although I’ve never watched it and never will, I thought the Three Stooges were Curly, Moe, and Larry…Fuck, I don’t care. Never mind. They are in town to help one of their friends, James, who is a cop. You guessed it, the cop who maybe dream killed a lady of the night.

While Dean is out, someone knocks on the hotel door. Sam opens it, and there’s a Doberman pinscher sitting there. It runs in and jumps on the bed. Sam pets it a little, while looking for its tags on its red collar. He hears the rumble of the Impala and looks alarmed. He meets Dean at the door and tells him it’s not his fault, that she just ran in and jumped on the bed, and just wanted a rub on her tummy. He asked if maybe she could stay for just one night, and then in the morning they could help her find her home. Dean peeks in the room, and there’s a beautiful woman sitting on the bed, with a red collar around her neck. Of course he says she can stay.

Sam is like, she was a dog two seconds ago, and pulls his knife out quicker than you can say “Hey bitch!”. She tells them to cool their jets, she’s not a shifter, she’s a familiar. According to Sam, some witches have companions that split their time between being humans and animals. She claims to be James’ familiar. The boys are shocked, because James isn’t a witch. She explains that after their last case, he became obsessed with researching the dark arts and he’s now a powerful witch.

Dean is shocked that James became a witch because of them. She tells him to deal with it, because James needs their help. He’s been having horrible migraines, and terrible nightmares. When Dean tells her they don’t like witches very much, she’s like, Oh really. She gets in his face and defends James, and Dean’s like that was super hot. She looks at Sam with an are you fucking kidding me with this look, but Sam’s like, Yeah, it was pretty hot.

Next, we see a bar that is clearly a witch joint, because all the patrons are openly using it. James is sitting at a table getting his drunk on, and can I just point out, that he is incredibly hot. I love the CW. They hire the hottest guys, especially for Supernatural. Yum. Anyway, he’s joined by-Good Gracious!-another hot guy, Spencer. His friend tells him to slow down with the drinking and asks him if things are getting better.

He tells James that he’s riding a dangerous line, because he can’t be both a cop and a witch. James admits that Portia (his familiar) left him because he was driving her away.

Portia tells Dean and Sam that familiars can communicate telepathically, but that James has blocked her from his mind. He is scared he’s killing people, but doesn’t remember doing it. Dean warns her that they aren’t exactly the kind of people James should want helping him, because he’s what they hunt. Portia admits it was her idea, because James doesn’t have anyone else but he needs help.

We flash to James having another killing dream. Then we hear James and Portia arguing about her involving Sam and Dean. She storms off in doggy form, and James comes to ask Dean and Sam if they are going to help. He describes what is happening to him, and Dean says they will try to figure it out. In the meantime, James needs to stay put so they can make sure he’s not killing people, so they chain him up.

While Sam and Dean are talking about what to do, Dean keeps making these veiled references to the trials. Finally, Sam calls Dean out, and asks him why he doesn’t believe in him. He insists he can do the trials, and it’s obvious that he’s hurt that Dean doesn’t believe in him. It’s really sad, because after last week’s beautiful speech, I was hoping that Dean could trust Sammy do this. Dean didn’t say anything, and Sam told him that he figured it out. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Sam, it was that he only trusted himself. They change the subject, and Dean tells Sam that if the witch-killing spell works, they will have to use it on James if it is proven that he’s actually killing those people.

Sam goes to investigate the crimes and finds out that there was a witness that the leading detective left out of his report. Meanwhile, Dean goes to the witch bar with Portia to ask about James. Dean calls Portia his pet, and she gets pissed. She says that familiars have a melding of souls, and the bond is unbreakable. She leads him over to someone who clearly looks gay, if the eyefuck he gives Dean is any indication. Portia claims Dean is a Wiccan, and they question him. He implies that what Portia is doing isn’t done, and that people don’t like James because he’s a cop. Dean keeps sneezing, but can’t understand it because that only happens around cats. Spencer comes up, and asks about him. Spencer leaves, and tells the other guy its time to go. The guy leans forward and smiles at Dean, before slowly changing into his familiar form, a cat!

That night, Portia is chaining up James, and she’s wearing sexy lingerie. Um, I think I’ve figured out what James and Portia are doing that’s “not done”. The sex. Sure enough, after she chains him up, she totally jumped his bones. Kinky. While they’re being intimate, she gets a vision of him committing all the murders. Talk about putting a damper on things. Sam and Dean arrive planning to murder the bejesus out of James, but Portia stops them and tells them it wasn’t James. After explaining that she can see his memories of killing people but not the thought process, motive, anticipation, or anything else indicative of knowledge of the crimes, Sam and Dean decide to give him another chance. Sam goes back to the police department to question the sketchy lead detective. He’s being super fishy, and clearly withholding information. Meanwhile, Dean and Portia meet up with one of James’ snitches to try and get info. While they’re waiting, my one-track-minded baby cake asks Portia whether she was a dog or a human first. Because hello bestiality! She smirks and ignores him when the snitch shows up. The snitch tells them that word on the street is James is killing people and the witches are getting antsy. They’re giving him 2 days to either leave town or kill himself.

At the hotel, Dean finds a spell that can put false memories into another witch’s head. They tell James, and he astral projects them to the police department to look what the sketchy detective is hiding. Turns out he’s building an incredibly strong case against James, based off evidence and a witness statement from Phillipe. Phillipe being Spencer’s kitty familiar, btdubs.

James goes all Harry Potter on Sam and Dean and “Stupify!”’s there asses across the room. My boo fell on a garage can, and it was an incredibly awkward landing, which makes me think maybe it was an accident that they just left in. LOL.

He goes to confront Phillipe and is all crazy strong, but Phillipe tells him he had no choice. He was ordered by his master to do those things. As they’re talking, Phillipe’s neck is snapped by an offscreen Spencer.

Spencer admits that he did all those things because he hates James. Portia chose James over him, and to add insult to injury, they fell in love. James tries to attack him, but Spencer pulls a Voldemort and is way more powerful. While Voldy and Harry battle it out, Sam and Dean join the fray. But Spencer immediately incapacitates them with horrible memories of their lives, like Dean being in hell, and his mom dying. Sam sees himself falling into the pit, and being tortured in the by the Devil.

Portia charges in Doberman Pinscher style, and attacks Spencer. His hold is broken, and Sam and Dean quickly cast the witch-killing spell, and it works. He’s liquefied, which is hella gross.

Portia and James decide to get the hell out of dodge, since the case being built against him is insanely good.

Sam and Dean are driving away, and Dean finally admits to Sam that after reliving all the horrible things they’ve gone through, he’s realized that they only got through them by sticking together. He tells Sammy that he does trust him, and if he tells him that he’s good, then Dean will stand behind him 100%. Sam looks moved, but then he starts coughing randomly. Suddenly, he coughs up blood. Oh no! He hides it from Dean, and tells him that he’s good. Damn it. I knew it was too good to be true. These damn trials are going to kill Sammy, and he’s going to hide it from Dean because he needs Dean to believe in him.

Well, whatever comes, I can’t freaking wait. This is my all time favorite show, and next week’s episode looks fabulous!

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